Last summer, as I spent my last few weeks at home before leaving for college, my dad asked me a very interesting question, “If there is one thing you could change about mine and your mom’s parenting style, what would it be?” It was very unexpected. How could I give my parent feedback on his parenting style, especially when I had nothing else to compare it to? As the eldest child about to spread her wings and fly out of the nest, I felt like a guinea pig or a test subject. I wanted to give an honest answer, one that would benefit them in raising my younger sister and provide her with a higher quality of life, especially during her teenage years.

I come from Iran. My culture is one of shame and discipline. Obedience, punishment, and an authoritarian parenting style are extremely common practices among parents who always “know better” and aim to mold their young ones into the perfectly polished and presentable members of the community. Other activities common among such parents typically includes strict rules, micromanaging of the child’s life, zero privacy, a punishment system rather than one centered around rewards, as well as extreme guilt tripping. Don’t get me wrong, Iranian parents don’t have bad intentions with any of this at all. Such helicopter parenting is a result of high expectations for their children to succeed in life, specifically professionally. A popular joke addresses that Iranian children have only four career options to choose from: doctor, lawyer, engineer, or being disowned by their family.

Growing up, I would always ask my mom why I wasn’t allowed to do certain things normal high schoolers could do, like stay out past a certain time or go to parties. She would always say something along the lines of “avoiding distractions,” or that just because we moved to a different country does not mean we would lose the rich culture from our home country. As a twelve-year-old girl trying to understand herself and simply fit into a new environment, this always raised lots of confusion and hesitation for me. How could I be the perfect Iranian daughter and grow up as a normal American teenager simultaneously? What exactly was this so-called “rich” culture I was consistently reminded not to lose? Was it worth conserving?

To all parents facing the same dilemmas my parents faced, I have a piece of advice for you: moving to a new country might mean having to make some adjustments to your parenting style as well. Before you fight me on this and tell me that I’m still a teenager who doesn’t know any better, please hear me out. I’m a strong advocate for discipline and putting school before anything else. I can’t thank my parents enough for always having enforced education as the number one priority in my life, something that will stick with me forever, push me to learn more, and flourish my ambitions. However, this does not have to be done through extreme discipline and shaming.

I believe that at least trying to evolve your parenting style a bit to match the environment you have brought your child into would not only ensure a much smoother way of running things, but also provide emotional stability for your child in what can be a crucial time towards shaping their personality. Authoritarian parents want the best for their children, but in a country like the United States, they push themselves to a dangerous place: the resentment zone. These children are no longer growing up in a country with restricted freedom and limited rights, rather they are surrounded by a culture that celebrates individualism and centers around personal happiness.

Imagine turning the norms of American society, such as teenage dating, into a forbidden and taboo matter. This creates two possible outcomes: either your child will actually obey you, yet resent you for the rest of their life, or they will simply not follow through with your instructions and do as they please regardless. Both outcomes would create an unfillable void between you and your child, one brought upon by the absence of trust and emotional support, all crucial elements to a healthy upbringing, specifically during one’s teenage years.

If your teenager feels that they can’t go to their own parent to ask for advice or seek comfort, it will drive them farther and farther away to a black hole of resentment and encourage the forming of a rebellious personality, an authoritarian parent’s worst nightmare. Furthermore, these outcomes would not simply be erased the moment your child becomes an adult, rather the scars will linger and affect them all through different aspects of their lives. Your children will likely have low self esteem, as they never received sufficient emotional support from their own parents. They will possibly have a hard time developing a healthy emotional relationship, as they failed to keep up with the first one they ever knew. Bottom line, maybe your children will become doctors, lawyers, or engineers, but they might not necessarily become the happiest people ever.

Believe it or not, there is a solution to this issue. You can find a middle ground and move to a more lenient parenting style that would better suit your child’s needs. You don’t have to set over the top strict rules to make sure your kids don’t fall off track with their academic goals. You don’t have to ban dating or make sex sound like a crime. You don’t have to shame your kids every time they don’t quite measure up to your personal expectations. You really don’t have to do any of these things to ensure that you raise an educated, responsible, and happy child. You can find a middle ground.

So after lots of pondering, I answered my dad, “Yes. If there was one thing I could change in your style of parenting, I would be to be more of a friend, rather than an agent of discipline, to a child.” Yes, rules and discipline are important, but causing fear and distrust in your child can be very harmful and counterproductive. Your child will not thank you for protecting them from the harsh realities of the real world by setting strict rules and enforcing an early curfew. They will thank you for allowing them to explore, make their own mistakes, and being there for them when they fall and need a shoulder to cry on. Let your kids be kids, because without having been a kid, they will never sufficiently learn how to be an adult. So find that middle ground, and stick to it. Be a moral guide for your child, but be their friend too. Remind yourself that though career success is very important, extreme discipline is not the only way to enforce it, and it will not alone ensure a high quality of life for your children. A strong support system from a young age and trustworthy parents will.