For some reason, people like to think of me as a blank canvas onto which they can paint their perception of me.
But that's what everyone does, right? We perceive people differently from what they truly are. But what happens when that person doesn't know who they truly are? Maybe they're struggling to find their voice or are still figuring out who they are. That person is me.
People like to project whatever personality they like onto me. Sometimes, I'm the fashionable gay man with an eye for fashion and a love for all things designer. Other times, I'm the innocent little church mouse who bleeds rainbows and is full of teddy bear stuffing. It's always nice to have an outside perspective on yourself, but I just can't help feeling like I'm being belittled or having my personhood taken away.
At the ripe old age of 22, I still don't know who I am.
A lot of my friends have themselves pretty much figured out and I seem to be behind them all. They all run ahead confidently while I trail behind with my cautious step and faltering trot. Sure, there's a lot of people in the same place as I am, but it's difficult to not feel like I'm all alone on this.
I know I'm not supposed to have it all figured out by now, I know that for certain. There are countless sitcoms about 20-somethings who are still trying to navigate the world even after they've gotten high powered careers. But, there will always be that real-life news story about the 18-year-old who started his own restaurant and is now a Michelin star chef.
I guess what I'm trying to say is this: the road to "finding yourself" is a long and arduous one.
Maybe you'll find the person you want to be when you're in college, or maybe you'll start your journey there. Don't feel discouraged when you see your friends or others blossoming into the person they want to be before you do. Instead, feel happy for them and continue to support them. You'll feel much better when you do.
I feel hopeful for the future.
That, one day, I too will have discovered myself. It's okay if my journey takes longer than others, there will be stumbling blocks along the way, but I'll get through them like I always do. For now, my mirror will just be a mirror without a reflection.
