Over the years, I have become more and more aware of a certain personality trait of mine that probably affects my overall happiness. I'm extremely goal orientated, meaning I'm always working towards something in the future. Almost everything that I do, I do to achieve my goals. The problem with living for the future is that you can never truly enjoy the now. I tend to put my immediate happiness on hold so that I can be happy someday.
It recently dawned on me that I'm currently living in what was once my future. I have achieved a great deal due to my work ethic in high school. One thing that came along with that work ethic was severe depression. I believe that the pressure I placed on myself throughout my teenage years made me extremely unhappy. I hardly ever slept, staying up until 2 a.m. every night, studying. Whenever I achieved anything, I quickly shifted my focus to my next goal, never stopping to enjoy the present. It's not bad to be driven, but it is bad when you place your happiness in accomplishments. Happiness is a state of mind; it's not a trophy you can win.
The ACT is a prime example of this. I took it a few times, and each time my score got higher. By the last time my score was pretty high, but I saw it as a failure: I could have worked a little harder to increase my score a bit for a perfect one. Nothing ever felt like it was enough for me. Everything felt unfulfilling. I was overwhelmed with thoughts of the future, never taking joy in my present.
Temporary bliss is OK, sometimes. Of course, I don't suggest eating an 800 calorie piece of cheesecake every single day, but sometimes you can put your diet on hold and treat yourself. I don't suggest adhering to all your desires and every impulse, because some of them could be worse than a slice of heavenly cheesecake. What I'm trying to convey to you is that it is okay to stop for a second and do what would make you happy in the moment (assuming it's legal and safe).
My goal orientated personality has made me incredibly driven, but it's also made me incredibly sad, at times. For as long as I can remember, I was convinced that achieving my goals would make me happy in the future. But what about my happiness, right now? What happens if I can't make it to the future because the pain in the present gets to be too much for me? What happens if I achieve everything and I'm not happy? That right there is my biggest fear. It frightens me to think that I could accomplish every goal, but if I've lived an empty life, I've never really lived.
If my goal is to be happy, I can do that right now. I've realized that I have to find the happiness in everyday life while I continue to work towards my goals. Only I can decide how I feel. No amount of success will produce happiness. Friends, experiences, living in the moment brings true happiness.
