Your entire life you’ve chosen everyone, but you. You’ve made your life decisions based on how they would affect others, you’ve put everyone else’s needs and feelings above your own. How many times did you bite your tongue, and not say what was really on your mind, just because you didn’t want to start a fight? How many times did you let someone get away with taking advantage of you because they did it so politely that you hardly even noticed? How many times did you choose him? Her? Them? Countless, I’m sure.
How many times did you choose you? How many times did you say “no” when you weren’t in the mood? How many times did you say, “You hurt my feelings,” when he did? How many times did you tell someone exactly how you felt the moment you felt it? When was the last time you took a bubble bath because the stress became too much? When was the last time you checked your cell phone, waiting for someone who’s probably too busy staring at a wall to answer your text?
My entire life, I have neglected myself. I put 100 percent of myself into relationships that I got little to nothing out of. There were very few times where I felt as though I was receiving the same respect I was giving. “Wherever you want to go, whatever you want, I don’t care, that’s fine, is this how you like it?” The people I’ve surrounded myself with (particularly the men) have had no problem answering all of those questions without giving so much as a thank you. Recently, I’m talking within 24 hours recent, I decided that being neglected is getting pretty exhausting.
My mother taught me not to rely on anyone. I didn’t realize that she also meant emotional dependence, as well as financial. I realized that for the past three to four years of my life, my mood has always depended on the actions or words of another person. If he didn’t call by two, the day would be terrible. If he bailed, I’d stay in bed and do nothing on a Friday night. Why? All this time, I didn't realize that when my mother said not to depend on anyone, this is what she meant. Why should I let my Friday night suck just because he decided that drinking with his boys was better than dinner and wine with me? Why should I not get things done because I’m distracted waiting for a response? I’m tired of neglecting myself.
So, what happens when you choose you? You learn to say no. You cry a little less. You learn to walk away from situations and/or people that hurt you, no matter how hard it is. Maybe not forever, but at least for the time being. Remember, you’re growing and so are they. What’s meant to be will always be.
You realize that having no notifications waiting for you isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You don’t need a guy, or multiple guys’, attention to validate your existence. But, I promise you, the second you choose you is the second they finally decide to choose you too. You will have a million notifications but you won’t be checking your phone anymore. You start to view yourself as an investment, which is good because you’re seeing yourself as valuable. You’ll realize, as an investor, that the more work you put in the greater the payoff. You’ll start to pick the restaurant, the movie, you’ll care. You’ll know exactly what you bring to the table and you won’t be afraid to eat alone. That, my friends, is self-love.
My only goal at this very moment is to learn how to love myself. I want to like myself so much that I won’t put up with anyone’s bull, which goes for men and women. I do not have time for convincing, waiting, etc. Patience is not one of my virtues. If someone in my life does not see my worth for what it is, I will not spend my time trying to convince them. I have too many bills to pay, too many reps to complete, and too many assignments due to focus on the negative. When you decide that I’m worth it, I will gladly welcome you back. That’s only because I’ve realized that the only reason I was mistreated was because I didn’t value myself enough to make it stop. But it’s different now because I’ve chosen me.
Choose you. Don’t apologize for it.
