I heard from a friend who heard from a friend that there's a lot of basketball talk this time of year. Now, I don't really follow men's basketball or March Madness, but everyone else is posting brackets and making guesses about who will win what, so I figured I could jump in on the action. Here are my 100% accurate picks for the Final Four, based entirely on the power of the teams' respective mascots.

1. Virginia Commonwealth University, Rodney the Ram


This mascot is absolutely terrifying. A mere ram would strike fear into the heart of any God-fearing basketball man, but this one? He is a devil, a wretched creature unworthy of being seen. Just based off appearances, he will win lots of fights--what Buckeye, Orange, or Duck could stand up to the fearsome power of Rodney? However, he is too reckless, which will undoubtedly be his downfall.

2. Louisiana State University, Mike the Tiger


Mike the Tiger is one of the mascots represented by a real animal. In this case, it may make him less cartoonishly terrifying, but Mike, like all tigers, is powerful indeed. Tigers have just about every natural advantage out there--you don't want Mike on your bad side.

3. Arizona State University, Sparky the Sun Devil


Evil, pure and unrestrained, is Sparky the Sun Devil. He's got those eyebrows, those horns, those blazing, blazing eyes--he is a living sin. But devils can only last so long until they are smitten, either by God or a bucket of water.

4. University of Florida, Albert and Alberta Gator


Albert and Alberta are gators, sure, but that's not the most powerful thing about them. They don't need the speed, stealth, or raw strength. What really makes them a force is the love they have for each other. Love makes Albert and Alberta unbreakable, which is why the University of Florida has a 100% chance of winning March Madness.