When you see an iceberg on the water, you may think it’s not that big. When, in fact, you just saw an iceberg big enough to take down a ship. This is because you only see the very top of an iceberg from above the water. There is so much more underneath you can’t see.
When I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I felt as if the bottom of my iceberg was being exposed. On the top I can pull it off that I am put together and an overall happy person. But underneath, I am dealing with two pretty big monsters.
This is hard for me to open up to people about. It is impossible to know how someone is going to react when I tell them about my anxiety and depression. I always have this fear that they will see that as their cue to get the hell out. I mean, I can’t really blame someone for not wanting to have a person like me in their life. Because of this fear, I have a tendency to pretend like my depression and anxiety don't exist. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone so I just push it down and put on a happy face.
I’ve learned this is easier said than done. You can’t hide your anxiety and depression forever. These things have a way of peeking out whether you want them to or not. Either you will eventually trust someone enough to admit it, or they will figure it out themselves. You’ve exposed the bottom of your iceberg, and now you have to wait and see if the relationship will sink or swim.
What I wish people knew is that you can’t deal with depression and anxiety on your own. This goes for both parties. When you find out a friend or loved one is depressed, ending the relationship probably seems like the easy way out. You might not think you can help. When you’re depressed, it may seem easier to act like you are fine and then deal with your depression and anxiety on your own. It makes things worse when you have nobody to talk to about how you feel. Pretending like part of you doesn’t exist -- because you think someone won’t want to be around you if they see that part -- only makes you hate that part of yourself more than you already do. Everyone dealing with a mental illness of any kind needs at least one person in their life who they know they can count on to be there for them, no matter what. No matter how bad things get, they know they have at least one person. Trust me, that goes a long way.
If you get the chance to be that one person to somebody, take it. Don’t brush it off and assume they already have somebody, they might not. Even if they do, the more people you have in a support system the better. You may end up being what keeps them fighting. You could help them see that their life is worth living and that they are loved. These things are easy to forget when you’re depressed and anxious.
I’ve spent many nights lying awake because I can’t shut my mind off. I’ve been so depressed that I no longer felt sad, I felt numb. I’ve been rattled by anxiety attacks. I’ve dealt with these demons for years now. At first, I tried to do it on my own. I learned the hard way that doing this only leads you into a downward spiral. I’m a fighter and that helps to keep me going, but what really helps is a support system. Knowing that there are people out there who won’t runaway as soon as they see the bottom of my iceberg.
