I'm overweight. Anybody who looks at me would know. I've been like this for a while now. But it's time for a change. My health isn't horrible, but if I continue this way it will deteriorate. I care about my health. And I am on the journey towards healthy living and making a change.
I have struggled with being overweight since I was in middle school. I matured a lot earlier than most kids my age, and because of the way my body was changing I not only gained weight, but I became extremely insecure. The skinny little kid without a care in the world became a preteen in constant fear of judgment. I saw every pair of eyes as critical, and heard my name in every whispered conversation. It may seem a bit ridiculous now, but this formed the way I would think about myself for years to come. All throughout middle school and high school I was insecure. It got worse and worse with each passing year. I was so afraid of people and what they thought of me that I started withdrawing socially. I didn't talk to people, go outside, or seek out people's friendship. I did nothing out of fear of rejection. And as I continued to remain stagnant in life, I gained weight. And the more weight I gained the worse I felt about myself, and the more I felt people's judgment.
By my senior year of high school I had reached my largest point. I was beyond ready to get out. I felt trapped where I was, and I was ready to get a new start when I went to college. I honestly think this was the best thing for me. It may have been the walking, and it may have just been the increase in confidence that I got from being around people who liked me for me and who encouraged me to be less critical of myself. Either way, I finally started towards a healthier lifestyle, and I was losing weight. Not only was my health improving physically, but my state of mind and the health of my confidence was improving. I was surrounded by godly and encouraging people who thought so much more of me than I had thought of myself in years. I didn't feel like I deserved it.
After my school closed down my junior year and I was no longer surrounded by these people, I started to lose confidence again. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe I was letting my confidence rest in them. Throughout my senior year I lost confidence and gained weight. I pretended to be confident, and I pretended to be okay, but deep down... I was broken.
Now, I am on a new journey. I am working on convincing myself that I am worthwhile despite what other people say about me. I can do what I dream to do, and I can become someone who is beautiful, healthy, and lively again. For too long I have looked in the mirror and seen someone who is insignificant and ugly. How can I expect anyone else to believe in me if I can't even believe in myself?
I am fighting for a healthy body and a healthy confidence. My beauty and significance find their only limitations in my own negativity. From now on, I choose to look in the mirror and see someone worthwhile and beautiful because that is who I am fighting to be and because that is who God made me to be.
