We’ve all been there, we’ve all experienced it, and we’ve all lived through it. There comes a time in our single lives that we have to face the true and disapproving fact that we will all have to face, and that’s being a fifth wheel at a party. The people that invite you never think you would feel this way nor even gave it a thought of your true thoughts of the evening. Here are some personal observations and thoughts when being the fifth wheel at a party.

1. Husband and Wives have their Clicks

I promise you every time when men and women get together, they always go with their own kind. Men follow with the men and the women follow the women. The problem with being the fifth wheel is deciding which group you want to get stuck in. Being the gay fifth wheel I always find myself with the women group, not because I want to be with my fellow sisters, but women seem to have better conversations.

For example, for some reason when men get together, they always feel the need to throw numbers and letters at each other. I know this sounds stupid and you’re probably reading this and wondering what the hell I am talking about, but next time you find yourself at a party, witness this and tell me I am wrong.

Here’s how a normal conversation will go:

MAN ONE:Hey (insert name), did I see you riding the WX180 on the road yesterday?

MAN TWO:Nah man! That was the WXA567

MAN ONE: Bro! I’ve always wanted to ride the WXA5678910!

MAN TWO:Bro… I’ve always wanted to ride the ABCDEFG123456789

MAN ONE: BRO!!! I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO RIDE THE 8675309RUSEREIOUS?

MAN TWO:BRO I AM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU!

MAN ONE:BRO….

MAN TWO:BRO…

*Rides off into the sunset riding their BXM1234567JHG780737DFRTS34*

Sure, I probably over exaggerated but hell sometimes it feels like that’s what happening. I am literally sitting there witnessing the numbers and letters being thrown at each other about bikes and cars and I am left wondering what the hell is going on. I can’t blame them, its man talk, and they in their own way get each other, and for that I appreciate them.

As for the women, I am baffled mostly. The reason I find myself with the women mostly at parties isn’t because I’m gay and let me hang with my fellow sisters. They don’t throw numbers and letters at each other, when they talk I at least get what they are saying. But that doesn’t mean what they are saying is less annoying.

Before I go into this subject please do not think I am making fun of these men and women, think of these little jokes as a personal observation. An observation that will most likely be me when I get older and yet failed to realize my near immediate future.

I usually sit and find myself looking at them as they talk and carry on while I try to chug my drink so I can be drunk to deal with this. Which in my case I drink too much I end up telling these wonderful housewives my awkward sex stories. Oh their facial expressions get me every time and I know I am slowly taking their innocence and that’s the funny part.

For example, one night my sister was gracious enough to take me out with her friends and their husbands. Once again the men find themselves in a corner of the bar saying random letters and numbers at each other, while I found myself with the ladies. I had a couple of drinks in me at this point so I was in all sense, being a huge smart ass. But I couldn’t help myself. Their conversations were going something like this:

WIFE 1:Oh my God guess what?

EVERYONE: What!?

WIFE 1: Toby… *suspense is killing them at this point*

*Intense anticipation of what she will say next*

WIFE: Toby drank all of his juice today…

*Everyone up roars like tigers throwing their drinks on everyone as they cheer each other on because God damn it Toby drank his juice.

2. Mature Adults Don't Like Single Lives Humor

Alright you caught me, maybe I am being a little sarcastic, but that’s sort of how it went down. And keep in mind, this went on for hours and hours. So as the fifth wheel in this situation who doesn’t have a child nor husband, I was very unable to relate and thought it was sort of comedic. So me being slightly drunk and being the fifth wheel, I decided to play a really dumb joke that really bit me in the ass.

So this idea really came to me and I decided to roll with it, keep in mind I should’ve really thought about the joke, but if you know me like you do, you know that I usually don’t think first but usually act first.

So without any sarcastic Jeff story telling, this is how it went down:

ME: Well you know I’m seeing someone…

*Everyone seems to lose their shit because they know they’re about to hear something juicy, they all lean in to hear more.*

EVERYONE:Ohhhhh! Do tell!

At this point, I knew I had them and I was ready to attack, and to be honest I was really proud of myself.

ME: He’s so crazy! We sleep with each other in the most craziest places…

*The look on everyone’s face is fucking priceless. They look like they’re living their sluttiest fantasies through my eyes and I know I’ve totally fucking got them.”

EVERYONE:*Gasp* No way!

ME:Oh yes, like sometimes he wakes me up in the morning and I’m like: “No” but of course I always go along with it. Like we go for hours and hours like nonstop.

*Everyone’s mouth is dropped at this point as they all remember their honey moons that happened many eons ago.*

EVERYONE:Oh my gosh! Who is this guy?

Alright, I am not proud of this joke and I know I probably sound really stupid, but I thought I was funny… Yeah the key phrase here is, “I thought”.

ME:Oh you know, my right hand. *Holds up right hand and begins to laugh so hard he internally dies. Ba dum tsh…*

Unfortunately… no one thought it was funny. You could hear a glass drop in that entire bar. The women stared back from my hand to my face trying to really figure out the joke but they were unable to. The smart ones that did understand what I was saying, did not appreciate my behind closed doors humor and God was right, I was the gay wad that needed to burn in Hell. And for that they could possibly be right. But unfortunately I didn’t look at my situation clearly to realize I was with mature adults in relationships rather than surrounded with a whole bunch of singles untainted with maturity.

Then there was my sister who had one drink her hand and my mom’s spectacular glare on her face that read: “Why did I bring you?” I smiled as I heard the cricket sounds fill the room and I simply looked down at my drink and chugged it promptly. Swallowing any regret I had left down my throat.

That saddest part is that everyone at the table completely ignored that entire situation as it never happened and promptly went onto talking about the cute things they were doing for their husbands. I had a feeling that my time was up with the ladies table and decided to fifth wheel my ass to the men’s side… And it got worse.

3. It's Hard Talking to Men Being a Gay Fifth Wheel

Listen, I might be gay, but I can be just as cool as you’re straight ole Joe you see every day. I can be with the manly men and keep on a conversation. For some reason people have this idea that if you’re gay then you cannot even fathom the idea of being around other men as if you’ll simply die if you’re not with your ladies. Well let me tell you, that’s a stereotype because I can always hang with the guys.

Until tonight, in which I proved every stereotype that every existed about my kind. Oops…

So I made my way to the men and I finally got the end of their conversation of riding one of their ABC’s123’s that they all wish they could be riding right now but are unable to. They were very kind on trying to get me in the conversation and for that I appreciate them.

Everyone handed me their beer and I had to drink with tears coming down my eyes because I couldn’t tell them that I was a wine guy with a mix drink with a cherry on top. I realized that I was okay, the beer tasted awful but I could make it with the men. Until they said chug it and I thought they meant chug my Shirley Temple and I was confused. But they handed me a beer and I knew I was fucked. But all of my readers can be proud and realize that I chugged that beer… and promptly threw it up right on their shoes. Yes I did it… I did it.. They laughed and gave me a slap on the back and I felt like I was a part of the group and I was in!

Then like I do with everything else in my life, I find a way to ruin it.

For example:

BRO 1: Dude she doesn’t do that for you in the bedroom?

BRO 2:Nah man, I beg and beg but nothing.

BRO 3: Bro…

BRO 2: Bro…

ME:Well I don’t blame her, I mean I know for me when I do that I almost gag--*Goes into graphic detail about why that’s not a good idea and why you should blame her for not doing such things. Then fail even harder when you start to give examples*

BRO 1: ………

BRO 2:………….

BRO 3: ………………………………………………………..

ME: *Fake laugh while you die internally.* I mean, am I right or am I right?????

4. Couples Forget What It's Like Being Single

Being the fifth wheel you’re almost like a rare species when it comes to couples. If they could get away with it, they would most likely come up and pet you while their husband/wife takes a picture posting it on Face Book saying: “Look at Patricia petting a single person in its natural habitat! #Naturerocks #Wow #beautiful #blessed.”

You are the object that does not belong in their world, so they must sniff you out and find out what your true intentions are.

PERSON 1: Soooo… You’re alone?

ME: Yes, I’m single.

PERSON 2: So you aren’t seeing anyone?

ME: Nope! Just busy getting my bachelors degree.

PERSON 3:Wow that’s so sad…

ME:Not really, I’m just too busy at the moment. Happy just being me.

PERSON 4:I read a study with Barbra that most single people say that, then they go and kill themselves…

ME:Well I wouldn’t do that I’m totally—

PERSON 1:Hooooo my gawd, are you going to kill yourself Jeff? Like I know being alone sucks but I mean we can get through this.

ME: Ummmm no I’m just—

PERSON 3:BILL! Call Janet and see if we can get Jeff a date next Friday!

ME: You guys I’m totally fine being—

PERSON 1: Oh my gosh! We will set him up with that one gay guy I know!

PERSON 2:You mean the one with a lazy eye that’s five hundred pounds over weight!?

PERSON 1:Yes!

PERSON 4: Perfect!

PERSON 3:He’s gay, you’re gay, it’ll be perfect!! He usually grunts to have a conversation but I know our Jeff here will make him fall for him!

ME:*Chugs drink faster*

Have you ever had that happen? A bunch of married people try to hook you up with someone random? It’s worse when you’re gay because your choices are very limited it can be quite shocking on the people they try to set you up with. Since you’re the object that doesn’t belong, they try desperately to get you in the “Married Club” and get you in there as soon as possible.

5. Being the Fifth Wheel Entitles You as the Love Therapist.

One of my last observations at being the fifth wheel at the party, is the fact people treat you as if you’re the Doctor Phil of the group. Since you’re not in a relationship then you must be the old wise man on top of the mountain with nothing but time on your hands to read books and do wise people stuff. So they all flock to you asking question and asking for advice, which is nice in some aspect, but it gets to a point that you might want to start charging for the hour.

For example, when it comes to that time of the night when things start to settle down and get cozy… for couples, I decide to take some alone time. I notice as they sit in each other’s laps and cuddle and I slowly but surly die a little more on the inside, I realize I need to take a break. So I grab a glass of wine and go outside to drink my sorrows away. Just kidding, but really I go out to get away from it all and it’s nice to actually have alone time and enjoy the night.

Who knew that going outside was saying “Hey! Therapist is going to his office! Ready to take patients!” I promise you, give it less than five minutes and then boom, you’ve got people at your feet begging for advice.

GIRL 1:You know, I’m sick of him not listening to me! I mean I know he works all day and I take care of kids, but I wish he would just stop—

ME:*Takes long sip of wine*

And it’s not just the wives and the girlfriends, sometimes I find myself having bro time with the husbands and boyfriends as I give them a gay man’s advice on how women think.

BRO 1: Dude, I love her, but sometimes I want like a Pamela Anderson in the bedroom and not Betty Crocker, and sometimes I wish—

ME: *Takes even longer sip of wine*

Or my personal favorite, when you get both of them in the same space and one person says one thing which causes the biggest argument to unfold before you, in which you don’t know if you should intervene or call the cops for backup because Jill is about to kill Patrick with a sledge hammer.

JILL:I love him so much!

PATRICK: Yep.

JILL:Why didn’t you say it?

PATRICK: Say what?

JILL:I just told you I loved you…

PATRICK:Yes?

JILL:So you’re just gonna sit there and say nothing back? Just drink your beer and pretend I don’t exist? I mean do you not love me? I know, it’s someone else isn’t it? It’s that damn Patrice down the street isn’t it!?
PATRICK: Yep.

ME: *Chugs wine and speed dials 911*

This is just the tip of the ice berg of what it’s like being the fifth wheel at a party. It has its ups and downs, but mostly ups. You see I’m one of those people who love to be surrounded by crazy, chaotic, and unbelievable situations. In a weird way I love being the rare species to grace their presence, because I love to see people’s reactions. Just know I’m not making fun of anyone in this article, think of these as fun observation that are very sarcastic. If you’ve been a fifth wheel then you know where I’m coming from.

But being the fifth wheel at a party can be difficult at sometimes, but that’s why we have booze. Drink and stay strong my fifth wheel friends.