A lot of people blame men and the patriarchy for all of the sexism in the world, but I’ve found in my own life that it can be all the more frustrating when women exhibit sexist micro-aggressions. Micro-aggressions are subtle socially-conditioned behaviors that undermine feminist ideals. All of the below have been said to me personally, and have shaken my confidence in myself and my feminist beliefs.
Please note, my experiences with micro-agressions are influenced by my privileges as a white, middle class, cisgender woman, but I feel they still are illustrative of our society ills.
1. “Don’t you want a salad?”
Diet culture is rampant among women of all ages. Eating vegetables is important but that doesn’t mean I never want to have pasta again. Letting women manage their bodies and their health is a much better solution. If you’re just trying to make conversation, commenting on all the interesting things on the menu/buffet table is a better option.
2. “Come talk over here with us”
At family gatherings and other social occasions, I find myself often talking with the women. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but if the guys are discussing antique cars or great literature, I’d rather be talking with them. People should be able to flit between gender groupings at parties without comment or judgement. Even better would be a social scheme where people don’t feel the need to group themselves by gender alone, but I won’t force a feminist utopia on y’all yet.
3. “You look pretty in that dress”
Even the ubiquitous “What are you doing in school/work?” is better than a superficial compliment because it focuses on a woman’s intellect and how she spends her time instead of commenting on appearances which she may have insecurities about. (If the article of clothing itself is awesome, complimenting her taste in clothes is a better way of saying the same thing).
4. “You’re a [fill-in-the-blank-humanities major], you'd better marry well”
Women have had, have, and will have careers in the humanities that they can support themselves on. (But maybe if the wage gap wasn’t a thing, this would be easier).
5. New neighbor: “I’d love for you to babysit”
We just met five minutes ago, how would you know if I’m great with kids or not? If you’re assuming that every young unmarried woman loves kids because they are yearning for their own, that constitutes a feminist micro-aggression folks. In my case, I find babysitting young children stressful and exhausting, and it’s not my preferred way to spend an afternoon. (If this is another attempt at making conversation, ask about the local elementary school that I attended and your children will attend or fun things to do around town).
6. “When you get married/have children...”
This one annoys me the most and gives me the most anxiety about my future! People have various life experiences. Don’t assume that a woman’s future holds a husband, a wedding or children or that I’m eagerly awaiting these prospects. (Substitute “If you get married etc.” to make it less imposing or restrictive while still sharing your life experiences.)
After writing this article, I realized that many of these micro-agressions occur when women (and men too!) are simply trying to make conversation. I implore you to find things to talk about that don’t subconsciously demean women and their accomplishments. We’re all human and have internalized these micro-agressive messages, so if you flub up, just work at it harder tomorrow.
