Growing up, I experienced all of the typical hetero-normative benchmarks within society. Through television, music, movies and literature, the world made it clear how I was supposed to look and act as a young girl. The typical girl was expected to have longer hair. The typical girl was expected to dress in accordance with flowers and pretty colors. The typical girl was expected to have crushes on all of the typical young boys. It is safe to say that based on the criteria of “typical,” I was internally the furthest thing from. I have very vivid memories of getting all dolled up for school pictures. Long mornings fighting my mom on the bow she wanted to place in my hair. Many nights laying awake wondering why I felt differently than my friends. I tried to force myself to develop the normal identity of being a young girl. I grew my hair out long, I wore the make up and dresses and I did whatever I could to combat the internal feelings I had to fight for literally every expectation of being a girl. However, no matter how hard I tried, I could not convince myself to enjoy this identity I had created for myself.
High school was simply four years of pretending to be someone I was not. I spent two hours every morning getting dolled up in clothes I could not stand. I spent so much time trying to be someone I was not that I almost started to believe that this was actually who I was going to have to be for the rest of my life. I recall spending hours the morning of prom transforming myself into someone I could hardly even recognize. How did I let it get this far? Why was I was ready to accept a life of misery all because I thought I had to be this certain person? Luckily, one day after I had my little heart broken for the first time, I realized that hiding my relationships and wearing a “typical girl” costume everyday had to come to an end. I spent far too much time trying to overcompensate for the simple fact that I was gay, I hated having long hair, I hated the color pink and I hated lying to myself and everyone else. It was time to make a change. It was time to be me.
When I was getting ready to move away to college, I decided it was finally time to reinvent myself. I found the courage to cut my hair short. I bought an entirely new wardrobe. I made the personal decision to never cover up my true identity again. I was ready to finally outwardly be the person I had been inside all along. When I cut off my hair, I remember tears filling my eyes as I watched chunks and chunks of long brown locks hit the floor. Shedding that hair will always be the symbolical step of me shedding the layers of the me I had hated for so long. I traded in all of my high heels and dresses for jeans and t-shirts. I finally felt like I knew who I was. I finally felt confident. I could finally sleep at night knowing when I woke up in the morning, I would recognize the girl looking back at me in the mirror.
It is never too late to be whatever or whoever it is that you want to be. It is not always easy to be open and honest about who you may be at your core. Sometimes, it takes time and effort to fully understand where you want to stand in this world. If you want to tattoo a kitten on your leg, do it! If you want to travel the world with your dog, go for it! If you want to start a business or write a book, why not? If you want to shave your head, please, be my guest. No matter what your deepest desires include, just try your best to stay true to yourself. Because at the end of the day, the only person's heart you are required to fill is yours.
