As you walk through life and grow older you begin thinking of all the things that you might come in contact with such as; college, marriage, kids, and other monumental life moments. Something that I never exactly factored into my life plans was something as tragic as losing my mom.

On December 26th, 2015 my mom passed away late at night. She died from a heart attack, and it was completely unexpected. We had just spent all Christmas together talking and laughing; life was still normal. Most of the night is blurry because of the tears and my brain's ability to suppress everything that had happened. My mom was young and healthy so none of it made sense. The first thing I remember thinking after the EMTs told us that there was no chance of her coming back was, "wow lots of my friends moms are going to make us meals, because that's what my mom always did for people during a time of loss". It was true, people made our family meals for months.

The days after she passed away were awful, hearing all of her other family and friends scream in agony once they heard the news over the phone. Absolutely no one could believe it. There were so many questions and everyone was so confused as to how someone as full of life as my mom was could be suddenly taken from this earth. I immediately became attached to my dad and brother, and the three of us didn't leave each other's sides for months. I had a couple weeks before I went back to school because it was Christmas vacation and that helped me heal.

Weeks later I went to school and I remember feeling like every single person was staring at me. As I walked into the building I was bombarded with people saying, "I'm so sorry for your loss", "If you need anything I'm here for you". All the stereotypical sayings from people inside and outside of school made me crazy. There was nothing anyone could say to make me feel better because the most important person in my life was gone. People would always say "She's in a better place", but that's a load of bullsh*t. She wasn't in a better place, because she wasn't with me.

In January we had her funeral. There was a snowstorm that day and I honestly think it was her doing, she never wanted a funeral because she thought it was pointless, but we had one because it would make everyone grieving feel better. I remember sitting in that church completely empty inside staring at a tiny little urn wondering how someone with such a big presence was now gone from my life and reduced to a container. I didn't cry through the whole funeral. I was in complete denial and shock. I walked out of the church thankful that it was over, and then finally something hit me. I realized that she was actually gone, I would never feel her warm body hugging mine again, or eat her food, or hear her iconic voice and laugh. I immediately collapsed almost falling into a snowbank, but my aunt caught me. All of my close family stood outside the Church surrounding me as I was screaming. After a couple of minutes I collected myself and continued into the hall for food and remembering her. Moments like these have continued to happen throughout the year.

The next couple of months were strange. I stopped eating, stopped hanging out with my friends, and stopped being who I was. My mom and I always hung out together every Sunday and would do something fun, so Sunday's were hard for me. Coming home after school and not being able to call her and talk about my day was weird. I would sit there every day at 5:30 and hope that her car would come down the driveway one last time, so she could run up to the kitchen and tell me about her boring day at work or what workout she did on her lunch break. When something tragic happens everyone reacts differently. I would be at the lunch table and hear someone complain about their mom, a common response of mine would be "Yeah, wish I had a mom to complain about". I made uncomfortable jokes about her death so that I wouldn't start bursting out in to tears every hour of the school day. People thought I was seriously screwed up, but it was what I had to do in order to be OK. I began healing slowly, but surely. I realized that it was never going to be OK, I was just going to learn how to live with the pain.

My life started to get put back together. I began hanging out with my friends and was able to leave my dad and brother for more than 2 hours without worrying that something bad would happen to them. 5 months later I was picking out a college, going to prom, having boyfriends, graduating from high school, and my life was changing. Yet, all of it felt pointless and stupid because she wasn't there. I had a huge support system, but nothing could measure up to my mom. At graduation I couldn't stop crying, everyone thought I was sad to leave high school, but what they didn't realize was that I felt absolutely paralyzed sitting there looking out at the crowd and not being able to find my mother's face looking back at me.

I survived the summer remembering her often and missing her. Summer was a part of who she was. Some people even called her "Laura of the Lake". I missed seeing her tap her feet to the music as she laid in the sun. I missed going to the ocean with her. I missed taking the boat out to the middle of the lake and jumping off with her. I missed everything about her, and I still do.

Not only did I lose my mom, I lost my friend. I felt very lonely this past year because she was always a guaranteed friend to hang out with. Most of the time, I had more fun with her than I did with people my own age. I miss laughing about stupid things that only we would think was funny. I miss her comfort, there're not many people in life that you can be 100% upfront with, but she was one of them. When I had any problems she was my go-to, and you can bet if it was a boy problem we were gonna go shopping and she would score me all the deals for some new clothes. I have now had to learn how to spend time alone and make new friends.

It's almost been a year now, and people are talking about the excitement of Christmas. I get sick thinking about the holiday because that means that it will be one full year I have spent without my best friend. I can now go through most days now without crying or feeling down, and am able to enjoy life. A lot of things still don't make sense to me though. Why did the most important person in my life get taken from me at such a young age? It feels completely unfair and I am still mad about it. I will never not miss her, and I think that a lot of people can relate to that. She was absolutely one of the most amazing people to ever live. She was so full of life, always happy, charismatic, and kind. She loved me and my brother more than anything in the world and I love her more than anything.

Loosing a parent at 17 years old made me grow up very quickly. I became an adult in a day. I am so thankful for all of my friends and family that have helped me through the hardest part of my life. I know that nothing will ever hurt as much as loosing her does, and I can make it through anything because of the strength she gave me. I never thought I would be ok, but here I am and I am so damn proud of myself for making it this far.