Everyone has heard of "growing pains," the annoying aching and throbbing in your joints that you experience when you're finally getting that pre-pubescent growth spurt, but nobody talks too much about the growing pains you endure when you're outgrowing old friends, old mindsets, old habits, and old lifestyle choices.
The feeling is weird and it sucks, even if all the growing you're doing is inevitably in your best interest and serves your "greatest good." Quite often, I still find myself struggling to find the good in this awkward transitional phase between what my life was as I knew it and the new life that I'm trying to create.
Life certainly has its series of patterns and cycles that are always showing up to shake you up and test you. I love when I feel like I'm on the right path and doing well (which looks like working out frequently, staying on top of my schoolwork, not drinking, focusing on myself, etc.) and then I get hit with this “devil and angel on my shoulder" scenario that puts me at a crossroads. It's actually funny because I now have the awareness to recognize these repetitive tests from Universe as they present themselves, and I still feel tempted to see if the past has anything new to say every time. And guess what? It doesn't. It never does.
I know that I'm not the same person that I was a year ago, or even 6 months ago, because I don't get the same satisfaction from certain people and situations like I used to. Coming to this realization is a little scary because your old comfort zone isn't comfortable anymore...so you're left wondering where you're supposed to go. You're no longer complacent in your old relationships and unproductive habits and pastimes. Suddenly, you feel alone and like the people you once related to no longer share your vision. Your agenda becomes tailored to your own mindset and goals and sometimes you look around and realize everybody else is going about their life as usual, with or without you.
It all boils down to comparison and validation from others. You can't compare your path to anyone else's because it's your path, and you can't depend on outside validation for reassurance because it's the same thing as trusting somebody's opinion more than you would trust your own. Why would you want to do that? Deep down, at the center of your being, you know who you are and what you want. Anything else is just irrelevant buzzing in your ear.
I guess this week I've been feeling the pangs of growth more than usual. I don't feel included in the same ways that I used to. I feel like I've been replaced by people who like to party and have fun rather than focus on school and stay in. I feel like nobody really cares if I'm around or not because I'm not the same person that they became friends with. I'm not Little Miss Crazy Ass who likes to throw all her responsibilities out the window and make having a good time her first priority anymore.
I'm more conscious of my decisions and how they'll affect me in the long-run, and I think more about the qualities that I genuinely want out of a friend or significant other. And to be blunt, most of the people that I used to think were so great are actually complete assholes who care about nobody but themselves. Instead of feeling angry and like I wasted so much time on the wrong people, I have to take a step back and realize that all of this purging of the old and outdated is just making room for the new.
That should be your biggest takeaway from all this. If you're experiencing pain, you're experiencing growth.
The pain comes first and throughout and then you reap the benefits of growing and maturing afterward. In the physical sense, you're finally tall enough to try out for the basketball team, but in the mental and emotional sense, you're finally ready to be the person you were meant to be. Let all the old melt away. The more that I cling and mope and think about the "good 'ol days" and how this person is doing this without me and this person replaced me and blah blah blah, the more that I forget about all the blessings I have in store. I have to look at myself in the mirror and remind myself, "You were meant for this."
