Have you ever thought about how people actually feel about you? Do you ever wonder how long it takes for someone to walk away? Have you ever asked yourself, “Why am I so easily replaced? Why am I disposable? Am I not good enough?” For me, the questions always burn in my head and I’m always in fear that I’m not well liked.
There was a point in my life where I was ready to give up on everything and everyone. I was so sure I wasn’t liked by anyone and I questioned everyone and everything. People always seemed to leave; they’d come into my life but it seemed they would leave as soon they were sick of me, very few would stay. I’m so used to saying goodbye and watching people leave that I just became numb to it. I’m so used to it that when people do stay, I get scared and tend to push them away.
However, when I push people away I don’t realize I did until it was too late to do anything about it. I have tried not to push them away and I’ve tried to catch myself before I do it, but it doesn’t seem to work out for me.
Growing up I moved around a lot so I was always the new kid and making friends was not too hard for me until moving to Warwick. For a while, I never really was the type to care what people thought about me. However, once I moved to Warwick everything changed for me.
When I went to Coventry, East Greenwich, and Connecticut, I was fine making friends, then when I moved to Warwick it was different. I tried just staying to myself and not make any friends because every time I made friends, it seemed like we ended up moving so I never wanted to make friends again. Obviously, it didn’t really work out for me as I wanted it to. I ended up making friends within a month or so.
Soon realizing that we weren’t moving again, I ended making friends and ended up staying in Warwick for 16 years or so now. After that, I made friends more easily. I started to slowly come out of my shell, but I was still shy (still kind of am sometimes).
A lot of people never believe me that I was shy, but I am until you get to know me then I slowly become someone “crazy.”
I always feel like people pretend to like me, no matter how many times they reassure me. I feel like they act like they like me and when I’m not around, they talk like they may hate me or something.
People have asked me what could they do to make me not feel like they hate me and I tell them that there isn’t anything they can do or say to change my mind. For some reason that I can’t explain it, but I always feel like people secretly hate me even when they say they don’t hate me.
