Our time here is limited- none of us know when our's is up- so it's important to only say exactly what you means and always say I love you.

If there's one thing I've learned from all of this, it's that you can't change the past. You can't fix things you've already done. There is no rewind button, though I wish there was. It's better to do the right thing the first time around rather than to have to live with a hole in your heart. A hole I don't think will ever be filled.

I'm lost since you died, honestly. I'm dreading the upcoming holidays because they'll be the first without you. I don't think it will be a happy time because... how can we do it without you? How can we be happy, knowing you won't be there? I don't want the next few months to happen, but they're going to anyway. I don't know how to do any of it without you there. I don't think any of us do.

I think I have more remorse that a lot of them. Because with my remorse there is a huge pile of regret.

I was angry at you when you died. I was mad because of some stupid family argument and I was letting it take you away from me. I knew I was being irrational, that you were being irrational, but I didn't do anything about it.

I was stubborn, too stubborn, to make the first move.

We were at my little sister's high school graduation. I sat with my boyfriend and I didn't even look for you. After the ceremony, when everyone gathered to take pictures, grandma made me stand and take a picture with my sister.

You tried to smile at me, and I looked away, being stubborn as usual. Then I left, without even a small glance back at you.

And I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life.

I got the call early in the morning exactly two days after that. The call that said you had died. That you fell down in the kitchen and had a heart attack. And no one could save you. The call that made me rethink every decision I've ever made.

I couldn't believe you were there one day and gone the next. I couldn't believe I'd never see you again.

I remember at your funeral, I sat there in a daze because it wouldn't set in that you were gone. I didn't cry, and I didn't know why. I was sad, so, so sad, but I couldn't cry. I didn't mourn your death that day and even now, I don't know why.

That day at your funeral, I didn't see you in any of the places we went. I only saw you in my memories- I couldn't feel your presence anymore.

It wasn't until a few months later that I felt my heart snap in two pieces. I cried for nearly 48 hours straight, trying to understand, trying to beg for it to be a dream, trying to make it make sense. Nothing made it make sense. Nothing I did or said would make it all a dream and make you come back to us.

I wish you could come back, more than anything.

There's this expectation that grief only comes in five stages and then you're done. Then you're okay and go about your regular life. That didn't happen for me. I was stuck in this long, black, never-ending tunnel of grief and loss. My life was on pause.

I felt myself getting better until I tried to remember our last conversation.

And I couldn't. I couldn't, for the life of me, remember the last words I said to you. I couldn't remember the last time I heard you tell me you loved me.

And it was my fault because I was being stubborn. I should have been at peace knowing that I had seen you just two days before, that you left me on good terms, and that you knew I loved you.

But I didn't and don't have any of that.

All I have is this deep, heavy feeling of regret and loss. So much loss. I can't believe I lost you that way. I can't believe I'll never see your face again. You won't be at my wedding and you won't meet any of my children. And I'm not okay with that. I'll never be okay with that.

It was the last time and I hate that so much.

I'm full of regret because I didn't know it was the last time I'd ever see you. I thought we had so much more time than that. I thought you'd be around for years more. I didn't know. I couldn't see it coming.

I don't know how long I'll live in this spot. This spot of hurting and of missing you. All I know is that you leaving taught me a valuable lesson: you don't always get a tomorrow. You are the reason I know that now. You are the reason I'll never leave things with anyone badly. I'll carry that with me for my entire life. I don't know if I'll ever figure out how to be here with you there.

I just hope I can make it up to you somehow.

I miss you forever and I'm so sorry.