To everyone else, I look like a fun, happy person who has a bunch of friends. Everyone wants to get to know me, they'll come to me for advice, and they know they can always count on me for a fun adventure. They know I have a great family, I'm doing well in school, and from my Instagram and Twitter posts, I seem like the least lonely person in the world. But sadly, my heart and mind think differently.
I put on a front. I hide what I don't want others to see. My body language and laughter conveys one thing, but my heart truly knows what I'm feeling. I'm feeling lonely, but I'm not alone.
Having friends who love you, maybe even a boyfriend/girlfriend to comfort you, and a family who supports you in any action you make is great. You know you can always count on someone when you need to talk, you're never alone in that sense, but you still feel alone. You have people that understand you and who care about you, why are you alone?
Think of it this way:
You're at a party with friends, while you're dancing and laughing and singing at the top of your lungs, you think "wow, I have such a great life, I am content." Then you get a moment of calm and think to yourself that you've never felt more alone. How does this make sense? People would kill to have friends like you, stop thinking this way. But you can't; you feel alone.
Isolating yourself in your mind while not being isolated physically is tricky. You don't want to tell anyone you feel alone because they simply won't understand. Why would they when you aren't alone? No, I am not alone, but I am still lonely.
I never feel like anyone is like me even with a great relationship, friends, and a supportive family. I feel as if I'm the only one who thinks the way I do, acts the way I do, and I will never fit in. My anxiety gets heighten at the thought of being around said friends because I am afraid they will judge me or think of me as weird because to me, I am different than them. I cut people off at the blink of the eye when I feel like I am a burden. Maybe I ask too much of my friends, why do I do that? They say it's okay and that it's nothing, but I don't believe them? Sometimes I feel like nothing but a burden, but my friends still continue to want to be around me. It's the strangest thing.
One day, if my anxiety really kicks in and I am just having a rough time and need to talk, it's almost impossible to talk to someone. I have tons of friends to talk to, but I can't say anything. What if I scare them off? Again, I just feel like a burden and that no one will care or they won't know how to help me.
You aren't alone, stop doing this. Think of your friends, your family, your significant other. They are all rooting for you to succeed and be happy. You can do this.
I know I'm not alone, yet I have never felt more lonely.
