I look into my eyes and I no longer see the bright blue eyes that once stared back. I can’t find the light anymore. This scares me, because a few mere months ago they were shining brighter than they ever had before. Even though my life was far from perfect, I was content. Every day that I see that light diminish brings me one day farther from that happiness. I am terrified that one day I won’t be able to get it back. But for now I am fighting.
I am fighting for my happiness. To find peace within myself, and not rely on any outside source for my stability. I understand that everyone who cares about me is worried, and I can’t truly ease their fears because I can’t ease my mind. It is always racing, thinking of mistakes I made or could make in the future. Either I do anything to quiet my brain and make it shut down or I beg for it to wake up. So I can’t say that I am doing okay. I can’t plaster on a smile and fake a laugh. I am trying so hard to find what I once had, and I will not stop until I succeed. I’m so sorry for making the people around me worry. I have hope, that one day I will shine brighter than ever before, but until then please just be kind.
College isn’t all it's cracked up to be. For me, it is the farthest thing from “the best years of my life." I try so hard every day to find a place that feels comfortable, but everywhere I go brings me farther from who I am inside. I can’t exactly quiet that lingering fear inside that nags at me day in and day out, tells me I am in the wrong place and am becoming unrecognizable to those around me. And this voice is the one that keeps me up night after night.
I will not stop fighting. I cannot stop fighting. I will find myself again eventually. But for now I have to do the best I can to make things better. I find myself filled with gratitude for the people who care enough to stick around. I can only pray that March will bring me peace of mind.