Every night I would lie in bed and watch the clock. One o’clock. Two o’clock. Three o’clock. Time feels frozen, but in reality, time is quickly passing, making me lose hope as all I do is worry. Every day for years, I felt like this, lived like this — in constant agony for reasons that most cannot comprehend. Most people can’t understand why a 17 year-old girl would worry so much. I didn’t even understand it. Then the summer before I began my junior year of high school, I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.
Anxiety is different for everyone, but for me, it feels like I’m drowning in my own thoughts and choking on my own words. Anxiety is suffocating, frightening, and lonely. Even during summer break, a time that is supposed to be carefree for students, a time for friends and swimming, I was always stressed out, worried, and over-analyzing everything. Everything felt so wrong, and I wondered if it would ever feel “normal” again. All of my friends were out having a blast, enjoying their vacations, and meeting up at the local diner or community pool. Meanwhile, the feeling of impending doom never left me. I was nervous, angry, and even when I could not bare to go out, restless.
I really turned to God in this time of need because all I was looking for was a sense of direction. Something, anything, to make this awful gut-wrenching feeling disappear. It’s a feeling that I knew all too well. It was like I had driven off a bridge and was banging on the windows for help and nobody was coming to save me. The smallest things could make me lose myself. I cried in the shower almost every time because it just never stopped. My mind was constantly wandering. It’s not something that you can just turn off, and it never really goes away. Most people don’t understand what having anxiety is like. They think of it as having anxiety about a test or being nervous to present in front of a class. But no, anxiety is much deeper and more complex than most will ever realize. It mentally consumes you. There is no off switch. It drives you crazy and there is no key to cut off the engine that is our mind. It is terrifying and you have to do everything in your power to fight it.
If you’re interested in becoming more aware of this disorder, please visit https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/anxiety-disorders/index.shtml.
