Some people are afraid of the dark, and some are terrified by heights. There's the fear of spiders, snakes, birds, and countless other phobias.

But my greatest fear?

I am deathly afraid of checking my email.

It started out as a rather small avoidance. When I was younger, I would only ever receive emails from whatever websites and stores I had subscribed to with the occasional message from a family member. Being that most of the emails were useless, I allowed the little red notification bubble at the top right-hand corner of the app to fill up with larger and larger numbers. I had no need to thoroughly manage my inbox at that point, so it was never problematic.

And then college rolled around.

The issue skyrocketed from there. I now receive a few emails every hour, most of which, still, is pointless. But as the little red bubble grows to a gargantuan amount, the actual important messages get lost in the mess.

I am afraid of opening up that Gmail app; the thought of combing through the thousands of emails I have makes my brain ache. It is not just because I do not want to sort through the mounds of uselessness, but more so because I am afraid of what is actually relevant.

I am afraid to see messages from my professors, directors, leaders, and advisors with new assignments being laid on me. I am afraid of all of my responsibilities, I guess, and so I avoid the responsibility I have to check my email in order to avoid having to deal with even more responsibilities.

But the responsibilities don't go away, and the little red bubble gets bigger and bigger. I am curious to see which will pop first: the little red bubble as the number gets too big for it to contain or the facade of stability I have over my life as my ever increasing responsibilities get the best of me.

So, I guess it is not checking my email that I fear, but rather it is more apt to say I am afraid of responsibility. I am afraid of getting work done. I am afraid of adulthood. I am afraid or independence. I am afraid of everything I signed up for—I mean, this is the life and path I chose and still desperately want.

All of those thoughts are overwhelming and discouraging. It is easier for me to pretend my fear is of checking my email, not all the crazy deep psychological stuff. Maybe I will comb through my emails one day and get a grip on the deeper anxieties that hinder my mind. But for now, however, that little red bubble will be the personified metaphor of those problems.

The little red bubble is my phobia. Checking my email is my greatest fear.