A "Thank You" to "My Father"

You suck.

You were never a "dad" to me, let alone a "father."

You only came around when it was good for you. You made me cancel many plans with friends only because "that was the only time you could see me."

You called, yes; but never for me. You were always more interested in what my sister was doing.

"How's she doing in school?" "How's she doing with sports?"

It was always her, and it was never me.

And when mom called you out on it, you didn't seem to care. And when I turned 15, things became worse.

You fought for custody of me, only when I was 15. You and mom got divorced when I was seven. What changed? What made you more interested in me when I was a sophomore in high school? Was it because my sister was in college? Was it because you couldn't keep tabs on her anymore because she was an adult? You made the court take you side and only God knows how the hell you managed that.

And with the court-ordered counseling, how the hell did you manage to get the counselor to twist my words and tell the court lies? How were you able to ruin my high school career with a smile on your face? I almost failed out of high school because of how depressed I was. I went from a 3.8 GPA for a 2.6 GPA in a matter of three months because of everything you were putting me through. But you STILL didn't seem to care.

Somehow you got custody of me during Christmas, and you got pissed when you wanted to take a family picture of you, your girlfriend, and myself. But you were not my family. You're still not my family. You ended Christmas Eve by calling me an "ass" and a "disappointment" to this so-called family you thought I was a part of.

But that's where you were wrong. I'm not an ass and I'm sure as hell not a disappointment.

That was the last time we even spoke. That's where the "caring for me" ended, apparently. You showed up two years later at my graduation. I didn't want you there. If I did I would have told you about it. I tried so hard to make you disappear but nothing seemed to help. You always found some way to show up out of nowhere and ruin everything all over again. You shouldn't have been there. You really shouldn't have.

You ended up being this dark, evil shadow, following my every move. Trying to get involved in my life again. You have your chance though. You have 11 years of a chance to get involved and it didn't work then. What made you think it would work now?

You didn't buy me a car until my sister basically guilt-tripped you into getting me one. You kept saying, "Well I bought your sister one so your mom can buy you yours." And I made my peace with not having one because I knew mom couldn't afford it, and I wasn't going to bug her about it constantly. I made friends when I got to college and I didn't need you. I don't need you. I never needed you.

I needed you to be a dad when I was six-years-old, not 16 and sure as hell not 20.

You'll never be a "dad" to me. You will always be known as the shadow that followed me, and tried, but never succeeded. Or maybe you'll forever be known as the name you are in my phone "He Who Shall Not Be Named." You will never have me call you dad, because why should I call you a name that you don't deserve?

So thank you.

Thank you for showing me that I didn't need a father around to survive. Thank you for keeping your distance when I was younger. Thank you for helping me realize what I don't want in a significant other. Thank you for showing me that my mother will always be twice the person you will never be. Thank you for teaching me to never become the person you are.

Thank you for being absent in the most crucial years of my life.

Thank you for not being my dad.

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