I have always been the bigger of my friends, something that bothers me less as I get older. However, there are moments in my life that remind me of the fact that I am a 'fat girl'. I can talk about the idea of me being bigger because I have accepted that I am a bigger girl. It sucks, but you have days where you feel okay with being big and some days you want to hide away from the world.
I remember being nine years old and only being able to wear sweatpants because nothing else fit. I couldn't find jeans that weren't from the teens section that fit, but rips weren't appropriate for a third maybe fourth grader, I can't really remember. I cried often over my weight, wanting to be thin and 'pretty' like I had seen in magazines and on TV. It wasn't healthy but I wanted it so badly.
My weight dipped down from 180 to 120 with nightly exercise and mild dieting. I was so happy that I was 'thin' but it didn't last long. Before I knew it I was back at 140, 150, finally settling at 175, nearly back where I had started. For a few years, my weight bounced back and forth before stopping at 133 back in 2013. For the first time since I was nine, I could wear jeans, a size 7, which was amazing to me. then in two years, I gained so much, back at the point where I can wear jeans but I don't like to wear them because I hate to look at the number. i hate weighing myself, as looking at the number is like a punch in the gut. It's not like I never work out, but I never seem to lose any weight.
With summer coming up, I realized that while I may need to buy bigger bathing suits and bigger pants, it's okay. I have four months of no stress, no finals, and the time to do the lengthy work outs I long to do. I can watch what I eat easier than at school, because I can make the meals myself.
I am working on loving myself. I am working on being okay that I am big. But, it's hard when you hear that being thin is the prettiest thing a girl can be. It's hard when the clothes you wore in your senior year of high school no longer fit, even though you wore them in May of that school year. It's going to be a long battle of weight loss, but nothing is impossible. I can romanticize my own body. i can love my love handles and my big belly. Some days I can embrace the fat on my body and I can love the thunder thighs and arm fat. But some days I wish to cut it off and try again. I long for the ability to build my perfect body where I am thin and there isn't a single roll on my body.
It's okay to love yourself. It's okay to say that you look good. It's normal to love yourself. Even if you have flaws, you can embrace them or you can change them as long as you do it in a healthy way.
