This Christmas, my husband's family will be missing several beloved family members. The one huge missing piece in our family is the one that will be the hardest on us. January of this year, we lost a man who I looked at and respected like a father. He took my oldest daughter as his own grandchild the moment he saw her, and he was there when my next two children were born. He was the person that married my husband and I, who steered me towards God after his passing. My husband's father was the most generous, caring, loving, godly, funny men I had ever had the pleasure of knowing and loving. I remember the first Christmas my husband took me to his family's Christmas gathering. It always happened on Christmas Eve, there would be food, presents, and bingo. I had never seen such a large group come together to celebrate Christmas as a family, I was in awe of the love I felt in the house that night. Over the next twelve years we continued on with this tradition and soon as a married couple with three children. My father-in-law always seemed to be the one every person looked up to and respected. He called his sisters and brother everyday, he was always there for anyone in need, and he loved his children and grandchildren with all his heart.

It was so hard that day in January as I raced to the hospital, not really knowing what was going on. I just knew in my heart it wasn't good and my husband needed me. As I ran through the emergency room doors and to the nurse's station, I could see them, their heads down and I knew. I begged the nurse to let me go and I ran to my husband's side, not sure what to say or do. I walked with them as they took one last look at the man who had been such a big part of our lives. I held back the tears, as I held on to my husband, too afraid to let him go. I knew at that moment, how strong I would have to be for everyone over the next few weeks, months, and years. That night after putting each one of my grieving children in bed and watching my husband become so distant, I cried more than I think I ever have. It hurts to be strong when you are breaking down inside, and I would find out this would only get harder over the next few months. I would occasionally lose my husband to his grief, he would shut the world out, and I would hold one of my children close as they cried because they saw a picture of their grandfather. I would be a shoulder to his sisters as they wept for their beloved brother.

The arrival of this Christmas scares and worries me. We have never gathered without this man who meant so much to each of us and I know it will be a somber realization when we arrive. I also know that just as I did the day he left us, I will once again be the rock my husband, children, and mother-in-law need. This holiday will be the hardest on us all, and possibly the hardest for me to stay strong. I will grieve in my own time, and in my own way, but not that night. I need to hold it together for them, for my children. I want this Christmas to be as special as it always was, I want to feel that magic and love I felt the first time I experienced it. I know there will be tears for those we lost and memories will be brought up. I can only hope we make this holiday what he would have wanted it to be. I hope as we gather together we can celebrate his life and share all the good times. We are missing a huge piece of our hearts this season, one that can never be filled. It's hard, I know, but I only have to close my eyes and see his smile, and know we will get through it together.

In loving memory of a truly amazing husband, father, brother, and grandfather ~ A day never goes by that you are not thought of, and missed dearly.