Short of a tequila-fueled Vegas wedding, there aren't too many ways to accelerate an intimate relationship. Sure, you can find a date by flirting on Tinder or make friends by hanging out after classes, but romantic and friendship-based love comes in its own time...right?
Maybe not.
Welcome to "36 Questions on the Way to Love", a fairly obvious title for a little-known game that contains a series of thirty-six questions, created to foster trust and emotion between participants. Though it was originally tested on pairs of strangers in a study headed by Dr. Arthur Aron, writer Mandy Len Catron's 2015 essay for the New York Times thrusts the questionnaire into the spotlight. Since then, the piece has gained steady notice by the public until, at long last, it popped up again on Facebook.
So, obviously, we had to try it.
The process is pretty simple: players have forty-five minutes to answer a series of questions, and each set of questions (causal, personal, and invasive) split into a fifteen-minute time limit. It isn't necessary to answer all thirty-six questions during the game: in fact, it is suggests allowing the conversation to flow naturally, with the questions acting as catalysts rather than task-masters. The questions, which range from easy-to-answer ("Given the choice of anyone in the world, who would you want as a dinner guest?") to more intense ("Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?"), flow naturally and become gradually deeper and more emotional as the game goes on. By the end, it's not unusual to feel emotionally connected to your game partner--Mandy Len Catron ended up dating hers!
Now, we decided to play it with less focus on romance than on friendship: no one was looking for a relationship at the time, and we decided that as wonderful it would be to date one another, most of us playing were hopelessly straight. It is in this way that four girls ended up sitting in a circle around a carton of chocolate covered almonds, spilling secrets.
As promised, the questions started out easy. We talked about how famous we'd like to be one day (specifically, Mindy Kaling famous: cool enough to get into parties, but not so cool as to have paparazzi following us around at all hours), whether or not we rehearse phone calls before picking up the phone (spoiler alert: we all do), and what our perfect day would look like. These were pretty easy to answer, and made the atmosphere fun and inviting; we were chatting the way we usually would, and there wasn't any pressure to get our two cents in because we knew everyone would have a chance to share.
The first fifteen minutes went by surprisingly fast, and we had to move on to the second set of questions. These were a little more personal, and at this point some of the more emotional talk came out. We were asked what we wanted to do but had never done, what our worst memories were. Without naming specifics, it became a little more personal at this point. Not so much awkward, but less bubbly and more serious. We know one another well enough to know that we've all got baggage, but talking about it under the harsh fluorescent lights of the dorm seemed to make everything more sensitive than expected. It felt revealing, of course, but also cathartic; we're still freshmen in college after all, and we've only known one another for a little over a semester. Talking it all out felt good.
By the time the second set was over, we had finished up the Teddy Grahams and had knocked over the carton of almonds, to the general hilarity. Though this second round of questions was deeper than the first, we were still having fun and ready to keep the ball rolling.
The first question of the third set was actually thrown out--it asked us to make statements about the general group, to which one of us said "We are all wearing pajamas" (which wasn't true), causing us to crack up and skip. The next one, however, was a favorite: the game asked us to say what we liked about one another.
This was an unexpectedly sweet part of the game: usually, when this sort of question comes around, it feels stilted and awkward, trying to shove compliments where they shouldn't go. (Yes, we're talking to you, high school homeroom icebreaker games). However, we were all warmed up by this point and the love flowed smoothly between each of us, and hearts were melting like a pint of Ben & Jerry's on a warm day. Even bystanders (who where doing homework but not playing) got in on the act, compliments and hugs all around. With the stress of college weighing us all down, it's not often that we experience such a boost of self esteem. It was an incredibly sweet moment, one that we'll remember for a long time.
So, did these questions make us fall in love? Maybe, maybe not. While no one is setting any wedding dates, we all feel a little more connected than before just through laughter and smiles. Maybe you don't want a romantic partner, but try this game out with a friend: it'll strengthen that amazing relationship bond even more.
