Look, I'm going to be completely honest you... I'm a liar. There, I've admitted it. Now's your turn.

"Did he just call me a liar?"

Yea, I did. I didn't call you a perpetual liar, just a liar, an everday, average human liar and there's nothing wrong with that. We all do it.

Tell me you've never lied, I dare you. See that? That's entrapment; there's no out to that question unless you're the Dalai Lama and I wouldnt be surprised if he lied too before he got all quiet - in fact that's probably why he chose silence. A wise woman (my mother, and teachers, and bosses, and coaches and well pretty much everyone who's ever held a position of authority over me) once told me, "If you've got nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all" and believe me, I think some nasty shit... but who doesn't?

Now before we go burning me at the stake for my impure thoughts let's look at that previous statement, "I think some nasty shit". Let's look at how there's a very probable chance that you assumed I meant about other people because if so, you're right. I've thought some pretty mean shit about people in my short little time that I've been so far graced with but other people aren't the only ones I've thought nasty shit of - a critic's own worst enemy is often himself (or herself) and I by no means avoid my own judgement.

What I mean by this is that of all the possible lies told, there are two types I'd like to address; lying to yourself and lying for yourself.

LYING TO YOURSELF

We seem to be caught in a culture that embraces this notion of "being real" or authentic and we embrace even more the will to incessently preach it. The question I have is what in god's name is real? And whyyyyyy so much pressure to be so.
I've noticed that the majority of graduated suburban sloths struggling to find solace in treaturous Toronto have decided that being real is being depressed. It's being miserable and only looking at the dirt we see.

Let's be clear, the streets a littered with... well, litter but that's not the point. The point is it's littered with litter yet if you look close enough you'll see it's glimmering with gold as well. Litter encrusted gold

It takes lying to yourself to say that the shine doesn't exist to be really depressed and lying to yourself to only see the gold to be really blinded by the light - what's real is taking a step back and going, "this is all really just ridiculous isn't it?"
We struggle so hard to fit in and find a culture we belong to that we fail to realize we belong to the most important culture of all humanity... and it's riddled with liars. That will never change. Lying makes the world go round; lying hides truths we don't need to know, lying protects us from the trash that falls on our 24 karat rock we've been kicking around the streets while tricking ourselves into thinking that being a buzkilling asshole is somehow authentic.

We put so much pressure on ourselves to be real in order to be accepted that we change who we are and what we do in order to become this manufactured version of real that we end up faker than the evidence this essay is based on. It's based on my observations and I believe the first thing I said was that I'm a liar, honestly, I am... but I'm telling you the truth right now.

So I ask you, what is real? Is somebody who fits the mold of what we've described as real, a real person? Or is someone who walks up to and says, "hey I'm a lying manipulative prick - wanna be friends"? real? And more importantly who would you rather be friends with? I'd go with the lying prick - because at least they're honest... and that's pretty fucking real.

Which brings me to my next point:

LYING FOR YOURSELF

Lying for yourself can be beneficial. It can be beneficial to you, who you're lying to and who you're lying with but what's most important is why and where you're lying.

If you're lying to a friend because they've been sitting at home the past month being way to real to have any fun and you're going to a boring party but you tell him it will be awesome so they get off the couch, out of the house and into reality then hey, lie away. All the power to you, you're a real friend.

If you're lying to a friend because they want to go out and have a real good time but you tell them crazy shit to keep them from enjoying their life because you're miserable and can't stand them having fun then stop lying to yourself; you're not real or authentic, you're just a real asshole.

If you're trying to get a job and you lie about your experience but bust your ass to keep the illusion alive then congratulations Costanza - you're a real good bullshitter and you sir, know business.

But... If you're lying to get a job and bail, screwing someone who relied on you or even worse take the money and run then you're a real dick and you should probably stay home in your comforting reality of misery. We don't need you.

I'M ALMOST DONE

Having said all this please don't take any of this at real value - there are no real rules for being authentic; these are merely the words of an authentic liar trying to do his best to get you to read more of my shit so I don't have to have a real job.

The only thing that I can confidently and honestly say is real is; context, situation and evaluation... so stop being real and start being yourself because that's pretty unreal, really.

Matt Gass