Throughout my college career, I've been a psychology major, and as a senior , I am constantly asked by others what I plan to do with my degree. Now isn't that a horrifying question?
Throughout my whole college career, I have stuck with the same major. I've always wanted to do something with psychology, though that has changed between several different ideas. At first, I wanted to do research with abnormalities of psychology such as studying schizophrenia or disorders such as GAD and Bipolar disorder. Later, I decided that I wanted to change gears and become a forensic psychologist and use my knowledge to help people gain justice by analyzing criminals and testifying in court with my findings. After that I wanted to continue on to graduate school and get my Master's to start a career as a therapist. It seems like every year I've had a new direction of what I want to do. Now as my final two semesters have come around, I find myself doubting everything I've ever wanted.
On one hand, this doubt that I feel is terrifying. I've always liked having a basic plan of what I want to do with my life. In fact, it's actually affected my daily life so much that I've gotten depressed from feeling like I have no direction. While I've always found a new direction to go, that feeling of purposelessness is exhausting. For me, it's like a goal that I have set for myself, and when I lose that sense for it, or the motivation for it, I feel like I've given up on myself and everyone and anyone around me. I've become disappointed in myself, and from there I have to do a lot of thinking. I have to reevaluate my values and my aspirations. I ask myself if I ever really wanted to pursue that previous goal. I have to go through a cycle of crippling self-doubt in order to come to the conclusion that either I really do want to continue that goal; that direction for my life, or I want to find a new path. Sometimes this cycle starts when I am debating between two different options, which makes the recovery much easier, but other times, I end up deciding against my set course without any sort of alternative and that's where I can lose myself.
Currently, I am in this transition period of directions again, but the safeguard of time is no longer in my corner and I am quickly realizing how important my decisions are. However, this time I don't feel loss or confusion. Instead I am excited. I'm honestly excited to see which direction I can really go; to explore without the need of a destination. I am using my final semesters to build up my resume so that I can explore different jobs that could lead to an exciting career or give me the experience I need to pursue one that I choose later on. I'm excited because for the first time in my life, I am letting myself find my direction, rather than look for the next quick answer. I'm excited because I'm finally going to experience life.
