Hello,
It’s me. I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet. But seriously, with finals looming and the angelic sound of Adele’s “Hello,” as the soundtrack to my endless essay writing, I’ve come to some realizations. Compared to the high school "me," as a college sophomore I’m finally beginning to feel like an actual adult. I’ve declared a major, written more critical essays than I can remember, navigated college parties, and even, learned how to feed myself and do my own laundry (for the most part). But, by far, the most important thing I’ve realized as an “actual adult” is that relationships are only complicated if you make them that way.
Sometimes you’ll meet someone and instantly slip into a heady state of love-drunk bliss; something in your heart stirs and for a moment you’re certain you never want to stop making them smile. Sometimes their arms become more comfortable than your favorite sweater; all you need is their voice to stop your world from collapsing. Sometimes they grow in your heart; from friend to confidant to more. Other times it’s different. Their words anoint and destroy you in equal measure; their sudden absence leaves you feeling painfully vulnerable. Whenever you see them your breath catches like a broken zipper and your wounds bleed anew.
But I remember the times that we talked were magic. I could feel it buzzing in my chest and tugging at the corners of my mouth. Your voice stopped my world from collapsing and I never wanted to stop making you smile. Then I made it complicated. I was afraid. Afraid that if there was an “us” we would be like the other times, and I never wanted your voice to be anything other than my favorite sound. I had thought it was better, safer, to block out any possibilities rather than risk the possibility of pain. Rejections are never easy, but if you had been the one to inflict the wound I doubted it would ever fully heal. My feelings for you had begun to grow and I felt there was nothing I could do but pretend that all of my heart still belonged to me. So I let the words echo inside my head as my lips stayed sealed, longing for yours.
But, oh, we could have been so good. We could have been the sometimes. And now I realize that the possibility of a sometimes is far more valuable than the risk of the other times. Both our lives have moved in different and amazing directions, but from time to time I still wonder what might have happened if they had somehow still remained entwined. Relationships are only complicated if you make them complicated, and our missed connection has taught me that trusting is worth the risk.
So, here is everything I wish I had said when I had the chance to say it:
1. You are an amazing person, and thank - you for being there when I need you
2. I still regret that one awkward thing I said that you probably never even noticed
3. The blue shirt you wear is my favorite
4. You deserve better than her
5. and….I like you.
