On any given day, there are at least fifty various sources telling me they know all the tips, tricks, and secrets to winning me the perfect relationship. I can’t stand in line at the grocery store without seeing at least five magazines informing me of “10 things guys love”, “4 things confident women do to win their men”, or even how to “Get in bed with 8,000 women” (Yikes??). Indeed, our society is obsessed with tried-and-true dating rituals that are guaranteed to win them a mate. People will look everywhere for the key to the Pandora’s Box that is a relationship: the internet, books, magazines, TV --- you name it. (Honestly, we might as well just take a hint from the red-capped manakins, who do the moonwalk to attract their honies.)
Yet people often overlook one key medium on their search for romance….
Video games.
Now, you might say that taking relationship cues from polygonal models is a bad and slightly destructive idea, but you’d be surprised at the kind of wisdom a handful of pixels can impart on you. Ever since I first held a GameBoy in my tiny toddler hands, I’ve been learning how to effectively woo a mate without the help of silly magazines and dating guides. Below are a few pieces of advice I’ve collected over the years that are guaranteed to be successful.
Trust me.
1. If you give a girl an egg every single day, she will fall in love with you.
If there’s any game franchise that knows romance, it’s Harvest Moon (now under the moniker of Story of Seasons.) Ever since it was first released on the SNES in 1997, Harvest Moon has been training players everywhere how to tend to their fields while simultaneously wooing all the bachelors and bachelorettes in town. There’s no need to dress or act a certain way; sometimes all you need to win the love of your life is fresh produce and some random items you picked up off the ground. (But be wary: if you give your crush produce she hates, such as an eggplant, you can cause a serious rift in your relationship. Do your homework and don’t go there.)
2. Engaging in acts of violence and crime will make your crush like you more.
Nothing spells true love like watching your crush beat the crap out of someone. In Fallout 4, released in November of 2015, you can win the object of your affections by catering to their interests and distinct personalities. Naturally, if the person you like is a ruthless criminal, the best way to catch their eye is by decapitating enemies and looting as much as possible.
3. Can’t land a date with a fellow human being? Why not date a pigeon?!
Love comes in all shapes and sizes. Eventually, you might find yourself, a human, attending a prestigious bird school (for birds,) and surrounded by a host of attractive and charming pigeons. At least, this is what happens in Hatoful Boyfriend, a visual novel released in 2014. It’s probably a better idea to stick to your own species, but boy, those pigeons sure are dreamy.
4. When in doubt, marry for stats.
Sometimes looking for love based on things like “personality” and “mutual attraction” is a waste of time. Let’s face it, eventually, the romantic spark might die, and then all you are left with is a loveless marriage and a baby who can’t hold its own in a fight to the death against the enemy. To avoid this type of tragedy, you should take a cue from the tactical role-playing game Fire Emblem, and create a spreadsheet of all your potential dating options, making sure you take into account their Strength, Magic, Skill, Speed, Luck, Defense, and Resistance. In doing so, you are guaranteed a powerful baby that will totally knock the wind out of your enemy’s sails.
Now go with your newfound knowledge and find your fated one! Good luck!
