Envy is a heavy and messy thing. Envy is something we rarely want to admit too. I know I am quick to say "It's not envy or jealousy, I'm just saying ___". I also am quick to feed into my jealousy through social media and gossiping with friends. But the thing is, envy rarely comes alone. It is often is accompanied by many other sins. This is also an issue discussed in the Bible. James 3:16 is a great example, "For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice."

I struggled deeply with envy and jealousy during my sophomore year of college. And I can certainly say there was a lot of disorder in that season of life!

I mainly looked at one person and focused on how I wanted her life and how I would never measure up in comparison to her. I called this girl a friend. She was and is a friend to me, but I was not being a very good friend to her when I was caught up in my jealousy. I was unable to honestly be supportive of her when the whole time I was thinking how much I wished that was me.

I looked at her and thought she had it all. She was on the path to the career I wanted. She was prettier than me. She had a large social group and there was never a dull moment around her. She had the scholarships and she was involved on campus. She had a cute dorm. She had pretty much everything I wanted. Most of all, I saw that she mattered and I was envious of that.

The root of the envy I felt in my heart was not about the person I was envying. It was not really about how many friends she had compared to how many friends I had. Deep below that, I just wanted to matter like I thought she did. I saw how she was important to those around her and how she was making an impact on the world, and I wanted to be that also. I then wrongly assumed she mattered because of how friendly she was or the opportunities she had.

I believed I did not matter at all and that was the root of my issue. I wanted to matter and the truth is I do. But I could not see that because I was searching in the wrong places. I was so focused on everything around me that I failed to acknowledge how God was using me. I did not think I was doing enough and that I could ever do enough to matter. I was convinced it was my place to make myself matter when in reality it was God's place to define how I mattered. And the thing is, He already defined that for me.

I mattered enough to be created (Psalms 139:14.) I mattered enough to Jesus for him to die for my sins (John 3:16.) I also mattered enough for God to open many doors for me. I do not question that God had to open a lot of doors to get to me where I am now. I just wish I could have seen that before, instead of wasting time being consumed by envy.