When you're an English Major people fail to realize how much of a blessing you are to this planet. Family, friends and also fellow English majors tend to stare at you with the "So what are you going to do with your life?" expression. You know how fabulous you are, why must other people deny you of your flawlessness?
1. Dependency
Everybody wants you to grammar check their work. I mean, we know, we understand, not everyone knows the difference between "They're, their, and there" we get tired too you know. Yet you forget to understand we have lives, we cannot always swoop in to save the day with our conjunction manual in our comma shaped utility belt.
2. We make mistakes too you know
Don't get me wrong, everybody loves a good well written sentence, but when we make a mistake on a scale of 1-10 how accomplished do you feel? Here have a cookie, along with this oxford comma. Don't get an attitude with me because you just figured out which "you're" belongs in your sentence.
3. The Writer's Assumption
No, this conversation will not be included in my next poem, novel, play or any piece of art I plan on writing in the future. My first Pulitzer will not come from our appreciation of Pumpkin Spice Lattes.
4. Finals Week?
Finals Week? If by finals you mean by six, 8 page papers due all on the same day? Each taking over three days and lethal amounts of coffee to finish? All of this while maintaining your super sexy composure? Then, yes. Finals. Week.
But for the professors that gives final exams AND final papers, you have a special spot on my hate list.
5. I bet you read books all the time!
I guess as a Chemistry major you drink out of flasks every day.
6. Book Deaths
When your favorite character in your book dies, and you try your best to contain yourself.
It's alright you'll pull through by the end of the trilogy.
7. Protagonist Theory
You're convinced that you're the main character in an award winning series about a broke college student that survives on cheese danishes and Starbucks Frappes, and that you're about to get your big break and these rejections shouldn't get you down.
You're probably writing your acceptance speech now for the National Book Award Ceremony.
8. Nobody understands your dedicationWhen you mention, I'm an English Major. People automatically assume that you're lazy. Nobody understands what it means to subject yourself to 4 novels a week, 5 plays and still attempt to translate 14 poems from inverted syntax to modern English.
Yet they want to call
YOU?!
LAZY?!
9. "Career Placement"
There's many things you can do with an English Major? Why everybody automatically assume you're going to be a teacher? I could be a Journalist, an advertisement writer, an editor, a grant writer. Just think, I could be your child's teacher. Do you really want your child coming home like this everyday?
We could also get a masters degree and become your favorite politically correct stripper.
"Dolla Dolla Billz Ya'll"
10. Trying to regain our self-esteem?
Who got six rejection letters today?
ME!
When are we gonna burn it?!
NOW!
When will we recover
....never (insert tears here)
It's alright. You're fabulous.
You know it. It's just taking people some time to realize it.
Go get your Pulitzer!
