When I was 12, I started having excruciating periods. I would bleed so heavily that I would have to leave school because I would bleed through my clothes. Still, I thought it was normal. At 13 I started experiencing such bad cramping and pain that I went to my doctor. From then on I was on birth control, at 13, to lessen the pain. Even so, I would always have intense pain in my right side. I would end up in the hospital once every few months. I was poked and prodded like a piece of meat for two years. They checked every organ and ran every blood work panel. I was told I was allergic to iced tea, and that caused the pain, and then I was allergic to bread, and that caused the pain. Each time I would stop consuming a food and nothing would change. It was the most frustrating experience.
I went to the hospital in the summer of 2011 in horrible pain. In the time leading up to my hospital visit I couldn't sit, I couldn't even walk. I couldn't do anything but lay in bed for a month straight. With that everything in my life started to suffer; my relationship, my friendships and my attitude. I became depressed. It's really hard to have a pain so immense that no one can see. That night in the hospital, they ran the routine scans and found a mass on my right ovary the size of a softball.
From there I went on to have surgery and was diagnosed with stage three endometriosis. After that, it was frequent visits to the specialist, numerous surgeries, hormone treatments, and more poking and prodding. That's when I was 16. I am now 21 and still dealing with the burden endometriosis has in my life every day.
Imagine being 16 and missing out on school. Sounds great, right? No, I could only attend school for four hours a day because I couldn't sit for longer than that, I missed events because of surgeries, and I constantly had to explain to people who could never get "what was wrong with me."
I am now 21 and have new struggles every day. I have met friends struggling with the same illness. Some friends struggle with getting pregnant and some struggle with being able to carry to full term, but the bottom line is this is all real and it's scary, especially to someone who's dream has always been to be a mother. With having endometriosis, it's hard to have a "normal" relationship for someone my age. You constantly feel like there is a clock on you. You stop dating for fun and start dating to look for a partner to have a child with. At 21 my main focus most days is when will I have a child? Each year, more and more doctors tell me I should start, and each year I feel farther and farther away from that possibility. You can't just have a baby with anyone, but if I don't try soon will I lose my chance? I'm not finished with school and people expect me to know what I want to do, but in my heart I know that I will stop at nothing to become a mother one day. Those are thoughts that run through my mind every day.
Some days I find it hard to wake up, especially around my period because I get so sick. I sit through class doubled over in pain, and I watch my friends with their kids and wonder if that will ever be me. There are days I want to just lay in bed and sleep or complain that I hurt so much, but I get up and I push through because I will never let this control my life. I have heard coworkers, friends, and people who just have no clue talk about me, say I make it up, that it's an "excuse," and it hurts my feelings. But until you experience this, never speak on it. It's easy to lay down and give up. It's easy to admit I'll never be "normal." It's easy to just stop pushing because no one can see any physical damage. But I don't want to take the easy way out. I will never be the "victim" and will never explain my illness to people who choose to not understand. I am 21, I have endometriosis, and I am just like you.
