Stop Trying To Constantly Relate To My Endometriosis Pain, It's Infuriating

Stop Trying To Constantly Relate To My Endometriosis Pain, It's Infuriating

You can't spell "endometriosis" without "ME," am I right?

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Here's a health lesson to all of my readers:

Endometriosis is a medical condition in which tissue that normally lines the uterus grows outside the uterus.

You're probably wondering where it grows then, huh? Well, up until you're sixteen, you won't find out. No matter how many doctor's appointments and hospital visits you go through, every health care provider will tell you that you're too young to have a laparoscopy (a medical procedure that takes pictures of your insides and performs small procedures). In this case, they do a laparoscopy to find where the scar tissue is, how bad it is, and if they can remove it to lessen symptoms. Sounds nice, but even if they can remove the scar tissue, it grows back.

So let me tell you my story.

When I was twelve years old, I was told that I most likely have endometriosis, but they couldn't technically diagnose me because I wasn't old enough to have a laparoscopy. That meant that for the next four years, I was given no medicine, no sympathy, and absolutely no answers. I had sixteen day periods which usually resulted in three or four empty "super plus" tampon boxes. I had cramps that hurt so bad, I ended up in the hospital, and I lost so much blood that sometimes I ended up fainting on the bathroom floor. (The day of the SAT, for example).

Everyone thought they could relate, which was (and still is) so infuriating. Tell me more about how your three to five day period cramps feel like mine. Tell me more about how sometimes you feel like you can't leave your house because you might "bleed through a little."

When I turned sixteen, I was more excited to get a laparoscopy than my license. I missed my uncle's funeral because I was laying in a hospital bed. When I awoke, they told me that I was at a level four (out of five, and that they weren't able to remove any of my scar tissue, because they found that I had pelvic congestion syndrome (PCS) which is a fancy way of saying that I have varicose veins in my uterus, and it was too risky to take off scar tissue because if they hit a vein, I could bleed out.

Good news though - I could take ANOTHER hormone pill every single day to lessen the extremity of the veins which would make it possible to take some scar tissue off.

The additional hormones made me feel suicidal, and I realized I would rather suffer the pain I had dealt with every single day rather than feel crazy and sad. No thanks.

The pain after the laparoscopy infuriated me. I felt like I was having a heart attack because of the air that was still coming out of me. I was pretty much a deflating balloon. I hurt so bad, and I was so upset because it was all for nothing. There was nothing to make it better. What a familiar feeling.

Endometriosis isn't your monthly period cramps. Endometriosis is missing school and work, and being too embarrassed to tell your friends and managers that you aren't coming because of your uterus. It's your high school assistant principal giving you a standing medical note in your file because he understands because his wife has it. It's having to be sixteen and having that conversation in the first place with your male high school assistant principal.

Endometriosis is staying in when all of your friends go out. It's doctor's appointments, PAP smears, birth controls, laparoscopies, and hormone pills all throughout your life. It's the constant exhaustion and fatigue. It's scarring from failed laparoscopies. Endometriosis is the realization that it's not just endometriosis; it's that in addition to PCS, PCOS, etc. It's the realization you probably won't have children whether you want them or not.

It's having to have that awkward conversation with every guy you date. It's painful sex and the fetal position out in public when the pain starts to come through. It's heavy periods, fainting, throwing up, bruises, and mood swings. It's everything no one knows about. Endometriosis is real. Endometriosis is your neighbors, your best friend, your daughter, your sister, etc.

Endometriosis is me.

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50 Things To Be Happy About

It's the little things in life.
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It is always easier to pick out the negatives in life. We tend to dwell on them and drown out the happy moments. I asked a friend to tell me something that made them happy. They sarcastically laughed at my question then thought about it for a minute. Nothing. But they could easily come up with things that made them unhappy. Then I read them my list, and they were smiling and laughing in agreement the whole time. There are so many more things to be happy and laugh about than we realize. After all- it's the little things in life that can mean the most! Here are 50 things that make me happy. What are your 50?

  1. The first warm day of the year
  2. Laughing so hard your abs ache
  3. Freshly washed sheets
  4. Looking through old pictures
  5. The smell of a coffee shop
  6. Eating cookie dough
  7. Reading a bible verse that perfectly fits your current situation
  8. Seeing someone open a gift you got them
  9. Eating birthday cake
  10. A shower after a long day
  11. Marking something off your to-do list
  12. Drinking ice cold water on a really hot day
  13. Dressing up for no reason
  14. Breakfast food
  15. Being able to lay in bed in the morning
  16. Finding something you love at the store
  17. And it’s on sale
  18. Cute elderly couples
  19. When a stranger compliments you
  20. Getting butterflies in your stomach
  21. Taking a nap
  22. Cooking something delicious
  23. Being lost for words
  24. Receiving a birthday card in the mail
  25. And there's money in it
  26. Finally cleaning your room
  27. Realizing how fortunate you are
  28. Waking up from a nightmare and realizing it wasn't real
  29. Fresh fruit
  30. Walking barefoot in the grass
  31. Singing along to a song in the car
  32. Sunrises
  33. Sunsets
  34. Freshly baked cookies with a glass of milk
  35. Summertime cookouts
  36. Feeling pretty
  37. Looking forward to something
  38. Lemonade
  39. Comfortable silences
  40. Waking up in the middle of the night and realizing you have more time to sleep
  41. Surviving another school year
  42. The cold side of the pillow
  43. The smell of popcorn
  44. Remembering something funny that happened
  45. Laughing to yourself about it
  46. Feeling weird about laughing to yourself
  47. Printed photographs
  48. Wearing a new outfit
  49. The sound of an ice cream truck
  50. Feeling confident
Cover Image Credit: Tumblr

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It's Been Three And A Half Years Since My Last Seizure, But I Am Still Terrified To Live Normally

Hi. I'm the girl who has seizures.

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Hi. I'm the girl who has seizures.

That's probably a weird way to start an article, but a lot of the time that is what people see first. They see me as the one who has seizures. For a while, it was like it was my name. Sure, I had other identities, too. This one, however, stood out the most. I couldn't go a day without hearing the words- "Let's not have a seizure, ok." Or "Are you OK?" It truly sucked.

I didn't want to be the girl who was known for her seizures, but I was. I wanted people to see me first. Well, it has been almost three and a half years since my last seizure, and to put it simply- I'm terrified. I had my second seizure three years after my surgery. That's not necessarily what I'm terrified of, though.

I'm terrified of getting behind a wheel only to end up with a car turned over in the middle of the road. I'm terrified of hurting someone else because I got behind the wheel. I'm terrified of waking up in a hospital bed to be asked: "Do you know where you are?" Yes, I do. I'm very familiar with hospitals.

I'm terrified of being at concerts with strobe lights and blaring music. To the average person, that might sound dumb, but for me, it's a reality. I have to be so careful when it comes to flashing or bright lights. It can set a seizure off.

I'm terrified of insane time changes. For instance, I went into a 12-hour time difference, and while that's easy to deal with when it comes to switching your dosages, it's still scary.

I'm terrified of waking up one day to find out I had a seizure while I was sleeping, and now I'm completely confused by everything. That might not make sense, but you can't necessarily tell if you're having a seizure if you're sleeping. That is the scary part. Think about it. It is scary enough having a seizure while you are conscious, now imagine having one you don't even know happened. Scary, right?

Seizures are definitely terrifying, and the thought of having one at any time is even scarier. It's even scarier risking the life of someone else solely because you want to do something you are not supposed to. I want to drive, but due to my seizures - I shouldn't. I think about driving frequently, but it isn't worth the life of someone else.

I'm the girl who has seizures, and I'm terrified to do things because of it. I am constantly on edge about things even if I don't show it. I'm constantly hoping I don't have a seizure if I do this or that. I'm always on edge about previous events with my seizures. I think about them a lot. However, I'm thankful. Its been three and a half years since my last one. That's a big milestone.

I'm the girl who has seizures, but I'm not giving up.

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