So it goes. Here is the first post of the new year and a million and a half ideas come floating to the surface. What do I write about to set this year off on the right foot? Perhaps I should start with the biggest change and improvement I've already initiated in 2018; going to weekly therapy, or maybe I'll discuss the hundreds of short-comings I'm already battling, the intense urge to move, the conflict of finding myself vs being with others, the desire to be more open and loving, the anger I suppress when things become too frustrating. I guess we'll start with square one; therapy.

Therapy, according to Webster, is the treatment, especially of a bodily, mental, or behavioral disorder. Well, I guess I'm in therapy...again. This time hopefully for good. Something tells me I should refrain from releasing my therapist's name or any specific details but I think this should be an open note...about...therapy.

I am moving towards a treatment known as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing or EMDR for short. It is a terrifying but liberating process of having a professional recite a troubling memory to you; stating the event, the feeling you associate with it, where you feel it and how you reacted as you sit with eyes closed but moving left to right. Let's just say I've had my first taste of it during my last session and it was...intense.

I mentioned it in a previous post, the idea of Samskaras, blockages that we hold onto and that can keep us from feeling current energy and emotion in our day-to-day life. It seems that EMDR is the practice of finding and breaking down these Samskaras. It is terrifying. It will leave you exhausted and teary-eyed but it is necessary if you want to live without feeling bound to the past. I found the idea of scanning and evalutating these experiences very interesting and appealing although, I also see them as very intimidating. Regardless of where you are, I can say that it seems the past is not always something you can just "let go" of.

So, I think for my first post I would like to share the memory I chose for my first EMDR experience:

You are in Helen, Georgia celebrating your fourteenth birthday. You are gaining weight from your lowest point of 96 lbs. You don't know why this is happening. You are breaking down. You feel; scared, disgusted, despaired, angry and betrayed. You think; "I can't let this happen, I am out of control, my body hates me." You feel it in your face, thighs, and stomach.

Then the therapist asks, "what is the intensity?"

Under sobs, you answer...."at least a nine."