I have made many mistakes in my life, but I try not to regret any. I know that they have shaped me into who I am today. I have always had a little bit of anxiety, but my past relationships have made it worse. They injected thoughts into my mind that have stuck. Now I constantly worry about everything. I always feel as if I am doing something wrong, I blame myself for everything, and I read into things too much.

It’s hard to start dating again after scarring relationships. I was hesitant to believe that things were as bad as they were. I thought it was my fault; I thought I did something wrong. When I finally I began to understand what it was really like, I had no problems letting go. Once I was able to do that, life was a breeze. Or so I thought.

Unfortunately, my past has created problems that project onto my current relationship. I am in an amazing relationship with someone who I know cares about me. We don’t have problems, we rarely fight, and we are extremely happy. So what’s the problem? Most of the time I feel like it’s me.

It is hard to break a habit, especially a bad one. My last relationship lasted over a year. By the end, things seemed so routine. I went through the same set of emotions every day; scared, worried, upset, anxious. It’s hard to get rid of the thoughts that flowed through me so often.

I am constantly scared of being left or hurt. My current boyfriend constantly reassures me that I have nothing to worry about, but I still have an overwhelming sense of fear. I feel bad whenever anything happens, even when it's not my fault. We don’t usually have problems, but I create so many in my head.

Being nine hundred miles away only makes things worse. It’s hard for me to read his emotions in person which only makes texting him harder. I read way too far into what he is saying and I don’t have him here to clarify what he really meant. I get anxious when we are talking about something serious because texting isn’t instant. To me, the worst part about long distance is not having him here when I’m upset to give me a hug and keep my head up.

Somehow, through all my problems, he never judges me or thinks I’m overreacting. It’s hard to find someone willing to be so patient with a person who has anxiety. Many people I interact with tell me to get over it, very few are willing to help. No matter how many times I freak out because of something that only happened in my head, he is always willing to listen.

I still have so many flaws I gained from those relationships. I have times where I get so anxious that I cry. I have thoughts of people leaving me without any explanation. There are moments when I blame myself for everything without anyone asking me too.

I don’t believe I’m broken anymore. Now I just think I’m learning. I’m trying to undo all that’s been done. My mind has been conditioned to be the way my past boyfriend wanted it to be and now I just have to let it fade away. I understand feeling trapped and I never want to be there again. Sometimes it takes something so bad to make you figure out what you don’t want. Time heals all wounds and I am in the process of healing.