Emotions have always seemed like weaknesses to me. A surge of anger, sadness, or even joy made me feel vulnerable. I felt like a switch was flipped, allowing my emotions, instead of reason, to guide me. It was as if some demon took control of me.
As a result, I began to starve myself, which made me preoccupied with food; thus, I was unable to focus on or even connect with my emotions. For about five years, I was trapped inside of a cycle of starving, bingeing, and purging—a cycle that allowed me to avoid strong emotions. Since then, I went into treatment for an eating disorder and have confronted my fear of emotions. This process has been uncomfortable at best, but navigating relationships and attraction has been the most challenging.
Earlier this year, I developed feelings for someone who did not return my feelings. I felt foolish for being attracted to him, but even more for thinking I had a chance with him. Unrequited love or unreturned feelings can be painful, and this especially hurt me since I have not had feelings for someone in a while.
Although, I have been in relationships, I never connected with my ex-boyfriends because my eating disorder served as a barrier between us. For the first time since early high school, I developed feelings for someone, but also for the first time since then, I have experienced rejection.
My first reaction to unreturned feelings is that there is something horrifically wrong with me. Maybe I am just not pretty enough. Maybe I am just not thin enough. Maybe I am just not intelligent enough. Maybe I am just not funny enough. Maybe I am just not outgoing enough. Maybe I am just not able-bodied enough. Maybe I am just not cool enough.
Upon reflection, I understood that sometimes one person is simply not attracted to another person. It does not indicate that I am flawed or unattractive; some things just are.
Although it isn't my fault, rejection hurts. It hurts to have feelings for someone who does not have feelings for me.
Emotions, especially negative ones, can be uncomfortable, but they are also a natural part of the human condition. Humans are not meant to be robots that only act, but never feel. It is natural to experience happiness, fear, anger, and sadness. Although I am uncomfortable with my emotions, I no longer hate myself for experiencing them.
