Someone once compared the cold you feel with anorexia to laying naked in the snow, in below 0 temperatures. I never knew how true this was until I experienced it myself.

Let me explain myself first. I was 12 years old, going through puberty when suddenly I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. It happens, right? Suddenly there's soft parts to your body that weren't there before, a bra becomes a necessity, you're growing out of children's stores and into teen sizes, things are...changing. As a ballerina, I started to hate looking at myself in a leotard in class. I started wearing an uncomfortable bra underneath my leotards, anything to hide things. But the icing on the cake was when, the boy I sat next to in English class and had my first major crush on, told me he would date me 'if you lost a few pounds'. At 12 years old I had shot through puberty, ahead of my friends, and barely tipped the scales at 100 pounds. I was by no means fat. To me, however, fat was suddenly everywhere. I stopped eating breakfast, telling my parents I simply didn't have time in 7th grade. The lunch my mother packed for me found it's way into the trash at lunch, and was replaced by a diet coke. Several friends admitted to me that they, too, had body image issues, and we began to visit the bathroom after lunch if we had managed to consume anything.

The worst part is, my body image issues started as a toddler.

As far back as I can remember, I remember being obsessed with my body. Being the youngest of four siblings, with my older sisters seven and ten years older than I am, I was very aware of periods, breasts, weight, and dieting. I idolized my older sisters and wanted to do everything they did. If they exercised, I was right next to them. I remember using an ab roller, the rowing machine, the treadmill, and a nordic track as young as three years old, pretending I was my big sisters, not even knowing what I was doing. When they went on diets, I went right along with them - back in the 90's, it just wasn't looked at as an issue, but now that I'm 28, I can see the obsessive behavior clear as day.

I believe the worst came was when my pediatrician revealed I gained 29 pounds in a year and a half due to how early puberty hit me. I couldn't fathom this, and I just shut down. From the ages of 12-17, I ate the bare minimum. No breakfast, diet soda for lunch, and dinner only to get me through the 6 ballet classes, three pointe classes, two modern classes, one jazz class, and numerous ballet company classes/rehearsals I had every week. Sometimes I ended up weak and shaky from a low blood sugar, or flat out fainted in class, chalking it up to the hypoglycemia I had developed. However, I maintained an acceptable weight through high school due to muscle mass and low body fat from being an athletic and dedicated dancer - I danced at least 20 hours a week until I graduated high school in 2007, and moved on to college.

My first semester in college was difficult. I no longer had the desire to restrict due to the dining hall, because somehow I was losing weight all on my own - I later found out this was due to undiagnosed type 1 diabetes. I lost 20 pounds very quickly near the end of the semester, and ended up hospitalized over winter break and was unable to return to the school. This diagnoses was ultimately my downfall. From the ages of 18-22, I couldn't figure out why I hated my life, why I couldn't get my blood sugars under control. In 2012, a fellow anorexic friend revealed to me what I was doing to myself: I was restricting insulin, which causes high blood sugars, and thus causes you to lose weight very quickly. At the same time, an anorexic girl in my ballet class had triggered my anorexia out of the unstable recovery it had been in, and from January 2012 until June, I spiraled out of control.

In June of 2012, I was admitted to my first treatment center. My weight was still acceptable, but due to restricting my insulin, my health was not. Five days before, I nearly died due to a blood sugar of 727 - for perspectives sake, a normal blood sugar is between 70-120. I was completely out of control. My father flew with me to Reno, Nevada, and I began treatment at a center where I did not feel safe. I opted to switch to a different treatment center after three weeks, where I felt much more comfortable.

Eating disorder treatment is a tricky thing. Insurance companies are fickle, and once they noticed that my blood sugars were stable and my weight was as well (to them, not to me - it had been sent up 20 pounds beyond my comfort zone), they decided to end my coverage and I was sent home. Triggered beyond belief, I decided to do everything in my power to lose that weight, and more. In six weeks, I had lost those 20 pounds and beyond, becoming sicker than I had been when I entered the first treatment center. I had started classes as a dance major for the second semester (having unable to complete the first semester due to my ED), and struggled through my classes on an empty stomach and no energy. I remember a family trip to Disney World that lasted a week where I decided to let go and have fun, eating to my hearts content, and punishing myself when I returned home, restricting food for weeks on end, even going as far to restrict fluid intake. I had spun out of control again - the mirror and the scale completely controlled my life to the point where I couldn't even get out of bed to get to campus and drop my classes. I ended up failing several, and to this day am still trying to erase those failing grades in just one more class.

November of 2012 I entered treatment for the last time. I stayed a month before they began fighting my insurance company every day, until finally my anxiety got the better of me and I convinced them to let me come home. I had spent Thanksgiving hundreds of miles away from home, and I refused to spend Christmas there too. I had regained 30+ pounds even though they blind weighed you (meaning, they weighed you in nothing but a hospital gown, standing backwards on a scale - however, I did a weight reveal with my therapist and had a complete breakdown on the unit). I came home and, upon going to a neighbor's Christmas party and being told how thin and great I looked, ended up drunk, stuffing my face, and throwing a pity party.

Eventually, in 2013, my weight normalized and I experienced something that gave me pure bliss: recovery, at last. I ate what I wanted, I laughed, I went out with my friends. I wore the clothes I loved, I drank again, I ordered my fear foods. I loved everything about my life. That was the year I saw Taylor Swift six times, I met some of my favorite celebrities, and added some crazy and hilarious stories that I still tell today because I look back on this point in my life with such pride. I was in this blissful state until June of 2014, when everything came crashing down again.

I still don't know what triggered it, but at the end of June 2014, I found myself in a horrible, triggered place again. I seemingly gained ten pounds overnight and my eating disordered brain couldn't handle it. My body became bloated and I couldn't fit in my clothes suddenly, and it had to go. It was hard at first to restrict and lose the weight, but by September I was back in the swing of things. By November I was fainting from low blood pressure and malnutrition, and had to quit my retail job the week of Black Friday. I remember a specific conversation with my boss, where I told her I had fainted, and she asked me if I was still coming to work. On my end of the phone, I blinked a few times, and told her absolutely not, I fainted and hit my head on the wooden floor. A few days later, I told her my doctor had said it was in my best interests to quit, since I couldn't handle two 12 hour Black Friday shifts.

By December my body had wasted away to a state it hadn't reached in 2012. My brain was rejoicing; my mother was telling me I was disgusting. Photos were agreeing with her. This is where the cold comes in. When you lose your body fat, you become more susceptible to the cold. Some people begin to grow hair, called laguno, to keep themselves warm. I never did, but to this day I'm always freezing, especially in winter. I just cannot get warm, and I always remember the metaphor about lying naked in the snow.

Between December and March I was hospitalized several times, and I still have no idea why my parents let me go on vacation with friends to Los Angeles in February of 2015, especially as I was hospitalized two days before, but I had the time of my life on that vacation and was able to distract myself.

I would love to say that today I'm recovered from anorexia, but I'm still struggling. Another disease I have has rendered me unable to eat and I have a feeding tube, so to me, recovery is impossible because I'll never be able to weight restore. I also feel as if, because I've had anorexia for 16 years now, the eating disordered thoughts will be impossible to fight off, even with intense therapy with a specialist. I fight myself every day, each time I get on the scale, every time I restrict fluids, every time I walk into my mothers room and lift up my shirt, asking her if I'm fat or just bloated.

If there's anything I've learned in my years of having an eating disorder, it's that anyone can have an eating disorder. You. Do. Not. Have. To. Be. Skinny. Or. Underweight. To. Have. An. Eating. Disorder. I cannot stress this enough. Eating disorders come in many, many forms, and you can be any weight. There are many eating disordered habits out there, many that people use as coping mechanisms. If you think you might have an eating disorder, please seek help. Just because I think it's too late for myself, does not mean it's too late for you. Included below are some helpful resources.

NEDA: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

Email: info@NationalEatingDisorders.org

Toll-free Information and Referral Helpline: 1-800-931-2237

We Are Diabetes: contact: wearediabetes.org

Diabulimia Helpline: Phone number: 425- 985-3635 available 24/7 365 days a year

email: info@diabulimiahelpline.org

website: www.diabulimiahelpline.org

If you or someone you know are struggling with an eating disorder, or suspect so, do not hesitate to take action. You may end up saving their life!