Dear ED,
You do not own me anymore, I don't have to listen to you anymore. I don't have to hear your negative opinions anymore. I am done letting you hurt me and control my life. I don't need you anymore, I am strong enough on my own; stronger than I have ever been.
I let you control me, I let you hurt me, and almost kill me so many different times. You were a huge part of me, everything I did was about losing weight. I was happy to die if it meant that I would be skinny, I didn't care if I hurt myself or what any of the consequences were. I wanted to be skinny. You made me believe that as long as I was fat I was worthless, but no matter how much weight I lost, you always said I was still worthless.
The more weight I lost the worse you made me feel. My goal weight kept going down, at one point I was losing ten pounds a week and eating less than 400 calories a day; but that wasn't even good enough. You told me I had to be smaller, and I believed you. I believed I had to be skinny if I ever wanted people to like me. You told me my self-worth would go up as I lost weight. First I just wanted to stay under 120 pounds, then it became 110 and then 100.
At my lowest, I was 96 pounds. I thought I felt great. I thought I was on top of the world. It was finally working I was getting skinny. You told me to keep going, I was on a roll, eat a little less each day and become a little happier. My self-worth went up with every pound I lost.
But it wasn't true, none of it. I was dying, slowly killing myself and I had no idea. I thought I felt great but I was puking all the time, my throat burned, and I would cough up blood. You told me these were all good things, it meant I was losing weight and so what if I died. You told me that if I gained weight I deserved to die because I was a disgrace, and I believed you. I thought everything you said was true, I thought you were looking out for me, I thought you were like my best friend. I thought you were the only one honest with me.
I don't value my weight over my life anymore. I know the purpose of food even if I don't like to eat. Every morning when I get out of bed I beat you, every day that I eat I beat you, every day that I am alive I beat you. I don't need you and you can't hurt me anymore. My life is better without you in it.
I survived you but 20% of all people diagnosed with you don't make it. I will not be one of them, I refuse to be. I refuse to give up, my life is worth living and I know I am worth it. Everyone is worth it. No one deserves to feel worthless, no one deserves to feel that their appearance is related to their self-worth. No one deserves to experience an eating disorder.
