Imagine meeting a boy or girl you really like and wanting to get to know them better. Everything goes exactly as planned: no playing games, no “talking” phase, no constant confusion, and no need to ever have the “what are we” conversation because you already have utter assurance that you are going to spend the rest of your life with this wonderful person. You don’t ever have to be scared of getting your heart broken. Sounds crazy but magical, doesn’t it?
Last week, as I was talking to a friend of mine who comes from Egypt, I found myself in the midst of an interesting conversation. He curiously asked me about dating culture in the United States and admitted that he can’t seem to make sense of how it works. He asked about the concept of casual dating and what purpose it serves. He then explained to me how things work a lot differently in his culture, as he has been engaged for two years and plans to marry his fiancée and start a family upon completion of his graduate degree. His story is very romantic and touching, but there’s a catch: he and his fiancée have never actually dated. No, this was not an arranged marriage either. Well, not exactly.
Arranged marriages were a commonly accepted practice all the way till the 18th century. Some countries, especially in Asia and the Middle East, continue this tradition till today, but with some adjustments. In certain cases, instead of forcefully setting up their sons and daughters who have never previously met one another, the boy’s family sets up a date to visit the girl’s house and “asks for her hand in marriage.” This way, both parties and their families can actually get a say in whether or not they want to marry the person in mind. Basically, families play matchmaker and if both parties agree, the next step is engagement.
Wait, what?! Engagement already?! How are two people going to skip months of dating, getting to know one another, and all the other big things that go into building a strong relationship to jump into marriage? How does one go straight to engagement and skip everything that comes before?
Well, it turns out that it is most common for such engagements to last at least a year or two before the couple actually gets married. During that period, they will have time to get to know each other and do all other things normal Western couples would do, with the minor difference that they are assured it is going to go somewhere serious.
As a young adult living in 21st century America, hearing this honestly didn’t sound too bad to me. Today, many of us face an extremely unpromising dating scene, taken over by a selfish hookup culture in which compassionate long-term relationships have been replaced with an irrational fear of commitment. Most Americans have the goal to discover their likes and dislikes by dating various kinds of people, rather than placing marriage and creating a family as their main priority. This isn't necessarily a bad thing but it can be taken way too far at times.
Such vast differences between eastern and western dating cultures arise from a difference in social norms and priorities. Historically, Eastern cultures are known to be collectivist and family oriented. It’s all about us, what we want and how we feel. Survival of the tribe or family is always the essential goal, even if it involves sacrificing one’s personal preferences every once in awhile. Western cultures, on the other hand, tend to be centered around the individual. It’s all about me, how I feel, what I want, and how I want to go about it.
Each culture is praised in its own way: the first, lays emphasis on synergy and strong kinships, whereas the second lauds personal happiness and success over all else. What happens when the two cultures clash? Many Easterners have immigrated to the United States with the hope to have a better life and live the American dream. However, their cultural identity sticks with them as they enter an entirely different community with a unique set of rules and priorities. Their children continue to learn the same traditions within their diasporas while they attend school with regular American kids and get exposed to Western society at the same time. Though practicing arranged marriages tends to be quite uncommon within such diasporas, the same core idea of placing value on marriage and family continues to be encouraged by parents and the older generations.
As a first generation Iranian-American immigrant, this is a fascinating dilemma for me. Though I do not come from a very traditional family, my parents have reiterated the importance of potentially having a serious, committed relationship and building a strong family.
Having been exposed to both ends of the spectrum, I believe that both types of cultures make some great points, so the smart thing to do would be to take the best pieces of advice from both and employ it into an improved version of rules to look up to. Western cultures teach the importance of unleashing your maximum potential, figuring out exactly who you are, and becoming the happiest you could ever be. However, Eastern cultures teach us that maybe, to do so we wouldn’t have to disregard close personal relationships and that our happiest moments could be shared alongside a life partner. I understand how the concept of a quick engagement or an arranged marriage is not quite fitting in Western society, but neither is a selfish, apathetic dating culture in which having feelings is considered taboo and wanting a more serious relationship is strange. Yes, focusing on yourself and your career path is absolutely amazing, but maybe as a society, we can learn to also appreciate the beauty of lasting relationships and wipe away the apathy and lack of communication that surrounds our dating culture as well.
