If you are like me, you are severely uninformed about the 2016 Presidential Election. Don't worry. I am here to provide you with an in-depth and severely uninformed breakdown of each candidate. Let's get right into it ...
The Democrats:
Hilary Clinton
Take it from me, folks. Hilary is an excellent candidate. Why? Hilary Clinton in office means one thing, Bill Clinton in office. Imagine Bill Clinton being the first husband. I am all in on that. Hilary giving a State of the Union address and Bill chimes in from the back room with, "Hey Hilary, did you throw away my Crocs?" A+ TV ratings. Getting revenge on ol' Billy has got to be in the back of Hilary's mind. Does Monica Lewinsky have a brother?
Bernie Sanders
The long lost brother of Colonel Sanders from Kentucky, Bernie comes into this election at the ripe ol' age of 112. I'll be honest, the first few debates I thought Bernie Sanders was actually Larry David and we were all on a reunion episode of "Punk'd" hosted by Ashton Kutcher. The only thing that worries me about the Bernie is his age—as I mentioned earlier. What's stopping this guy from getting into office and just going golfing or spending all his free time going to Old Country Buffet to take advantage of the senior citizen discount? Still skeptical of you, Bernie. I won't be feeling the Bern anytime soon.
Martin O'Malley
Gonna be honest, didn't know who this guy was until I googled "2016 Presidential candidates" so Marty isn't off to a good start as far as name recognition goes ... I don't know ... I think he's Irish ... The only way this guy gets my consideration on election day is if he dyes his hair red and gives a motivating and inspiring speech on like potatoes or Notre Dame or something.
Vermin Supreme
How am I just finding out about this guy? Profile picture alone, this guy gets an A++. According to Wikipedia his birthday is "undisclosed." I like a little mystery behind my candidate. I didn't know we were dealing with agent 007 here. I love everything about this guy. If he's elected I will most likely move to Canada, on account of the fact that he is probably a psychopath, but it would sure be entertaining.
John Wolfe, Jr.
The only hope for this guy to garner my support is once a month on a full moon he drops the "e" from his name and turns into an actual werewolf. OWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The Republicans
Chris Christie
I like a guy who just looks like he belongs six plates deep at a Golden Corral buffet. Not to mention, he gave us possibly the greatest GIF of all time. I am voting for CC solely for the fact that this would be our national dance move if he's elected. The cabbage patch, the lawn mower, the robot, and the Christie!
Jeb Bush
This is kind of similar to the Hilary Clinton-Bill Clinton factor. You give the people what they want, and the people want George W. Bush back! If Jeb is in office, GW is sure to make at least a few appearances a year. "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice ... wait how did I get elected again?"
Carly Fiorina
I'm sure she's nice and probably has some good ideas. But if I can't pronounce your last name without having to restart three times, I can't vote for ya. Sorry Mrs. Fifbasiffjkds. NEXT.
Ben Carson
This guy just seems too smart for me. He's the guy at the party who tells a joke and is the only guy who laughs because it's above everybody's head. He's from Detroit, so I could see him bringing some of that Motor City justice to the white house, and I think he'd legally have the right to make "Welcome to Detroit City" by Trick Trick and Eminem our National Anthem.
Ted Cruz
So apparently this guy is from Canada. Fishy, eh? Sorry Teddy, maybe you can be our political adviser on like maple syrup or hockey.
Donald Trump
The Donald has gotten a lot of harsh criticism during his campaign trial. For what? All he's done is been racist, sexist, crude and mocked a disabled reporter. I like a guy who shoots from his hip and has no on-deck circle for what he says. Maybe Donald hasn't been the nicest guy during debates, but he has been the most entertaining. If he becomes president, we can add "did President Trump wear a toupee" next to "did anyone help Lee Harvey Oswald" on the list of top U.S. mysteries. Riveting.
Well, there ya have it. While I didn't highlight all of the candidates, I did give you enough information to make an educated selection in the voting booths come election day. Good luck to all the candidates.
