My ex, to me, is an unhealthy, toxic substance that I had to get rid of from my body and my soul. Odd reference, but I hope you get the gist of it. On June 30th, 2017, I abruptly found myself in a relationship. You know those cute little good morning texts your lover sends you? Or when they spend a day with you and your feel so happy? Yeah, it was all like that.
Until July 15, 2017.
On July 15th, I get a text from my then boyfriend. In that text, he told me he had relapsed but that he would be okay. I was at a diner with my dad waiting for food. I was so confused and I was scared. And I was head over heels within 3 weeks. However, was I okay with the situation that I was suddenly being dragged into? Absolutely not. I was uncomfortable. But since I was his girlfriend, I felt that I should be with him.
On July 16th, my then boyfriend calls me. I'm in class. I was trying to transfer. But when I told him I was in class, he tells me to leave because he had to tell me something over the phone. My dumbass leaves class and I call him. For ten minutes I cried because he told me he was checking into rehab, but did not know when he would get picked up.
The following day, he texted me that he would go into rehab that day. And I wanted to be there with him. And he blocked my number. I had to tell my professor what was going on. She understood what I was going through and told me to take a break and to relax. And I took off. And I called my ex, and his phone goes straight to voicemail. Not knowing if he was okay, I panic in the middle of campus. And then I open Snapchat, and I see him, drugged, and singing to Toto's Africa. And I freaked even more. I felt so alone and I decided to call my friend. Meanwhile was friend was on her way, I go to my favorite professor's room where he was giving class. And when I saw my professor, I broke down in tears. As I was hysterically crying on a desk, my professor pulls up a desk and asked me what was wrong. And I told him. I told him that I was dating a drug addict and that I was afraid for my ex. My favorite professor told me "You cannot be in a relationship where you will stop focusing in school. It honestly sucks, but you need to end that relationship. You can be friends with this person, however, you can decide if you would want to pursue a relationship again when you feel that he is stable enough to be in a relationship with you."
I showed to work that week on a Friday morning and a mom and now friend, Karina found my crying. She asked if I was okay as held on to her baby, and told her what had taken place earlier that week. Karina, too, told me that I needed to love myself before him and encouraged me to pray for inner peace. Karina assured me that there were people going through something similar as me, and that I needed to respect and love myself before I commit myself to loving someone. My co-workers encouraged me to leave that relationship. I didn't need to go through something so unfortunate when I had school, one implied. My best friend just hugged me as I cried, and told me to think about what I wanted to do.
Within the few weeks I wasn't able to see my boyfriend, I was able to see comments that girls would write to my boyfriend, implying sex, flirting, or a relationship. But I decided to ignore the comments, like he had asked me to.
Then, I was finally able to see him. I was so happy and excited. My family seemed to like him. Until we hopped into "his car."He told me that his dad had a heart attack and that his uncle was visiting from San Diego. I knew he was lying because the car had a UC San Diego parking permit on the window shield. I wanted to stop by the hospital and introduce myself to his family, but he kept saying "no, no, it's too soon." I knew he was lying because one of his exes was currently a student at UC San Diego. Then he starts speeding beyond the speed limit. And then we get to his cousins house, 20 minutes from Downtown LA, and I am exposed to these texts.I discovered that he would sext prostitutes. Yes, you just read that right, sext. And I am not lying. If his parents could look at his phone bill from late August 2017-October 2017 and god knows if he still did that afterwards, do it. I saw nudes of other women from his rehab on his phone. It was there when I was determined to end my relationship, but he begged me to stay, and gave me the excuse that he had grown addicted to sex while in rehab and that he was trying to work on that.
I got home, and I posted a selfie of us. And then I was able to discover how pathological my ex was. The girl from UC San Diego called me a bitch online and commented, "give me back my fucking car." Then I called her and demanded an answer and she told me she had slept with my ex the day before, that he was essentially calling me a stalker, and that he had been whoring around with other women while in rehab. And I decided to end things. While my friends celebrated that, I cried. And I asked to get back with him. And boy, did my friends bash me for that. I thought I wanted to be with this person, because shit, we were planning on our future. Stupid, right? And I'm a college student who hadn't even transferred to a four year uni.
Our relationship then got dull. He would tell me he wanted to visit his guy friend in West Virginia. It turned out it was a woman he was in rehab with, PRIOR to his rehab stay. I was told that he was annoyed of me. I was blocked. And it was towards the end of October, I knew it would be time to let go. He would always talk about a girl. And I knew he was interested in her as he would tell me he loved me. So we let things go. We ended our love story on November 5th, 2017.
HA, just kidding. When I told my friends that it was over, they were happy for me. We broke up on a Sunday. Thursday, November 9th, my ex shows up to my school. His pupils were big even though it was sunny, so I knew he was drugged. But he demanded that I buy him cigarettes. And I did. And he took a puff and told me, "I am totally in love with (insert girl's name). But she is dying. Her liver is failing and she is going to die. We are going to get married and if you love me like you say you do, you'll donate your liver to her." I was in love, and I said "no" but I promised this monster that I would be there for him. Then we go to campus where he grabbed my hand and took me to the women's bathroom and forced a kiss into my mouth. Then, I was constantly called for Uber rides after his hookups. I was contacted for a Christmas gift. And I was contacted to be reminded that he loved me. And every time I would let a phone call from him, I would cry. It wasn't until my professor,) saw me lacking interest in applying to colleges, told me to "stop giving a shit about someone who doesn't give a shit about you" that I woke up and put an end to this person.
I saw this monster in December. It had been about a year since it all happened. I thought I had healed, but I didn't. I was reminded that I was a caring babysitter than a girlfriend. I was reminded that I was a stepped roach on the ground as he went on with his seven women while I was waiting for him to get better. It was something toxic rather than something that should have been safe. Not only was I exposed to getting arrested because he was sometimes possessed with drugs, but my mental health was put on the line. I was stressed and sad all the time towards the end. I almost missed deadlines because I was grieving our break up.
I have my family. I had my mom who felt sorry for him. I had my dad who stopped speaking to me when my ex came to the house. I had my cousins who had stopped speaking to me. Like I was so alone that the people who I expected to be there for me were people who turned their back away from me. I was bashed by his friends for being a quitter. I was told to understand him. And I was asked "well did you really have to leave him?" But there was one thing for sure that I learned through this process, that I had friends who cared for me. And slowly, they have been extended family members who bless me so much with knowledge, care, wisdom, and compassion.
People, please use this true story as a wake up call. Do NOT feel obligated to care for a drug addict. Do not feel obligated to be in a relationship where you have to put up with something that affects your physical and mental health. Do not feel forced to help someone who cannot help themselves and refuses your aid. And, do not feel obligated to economically support someone when you cannot support yourself. As Ariana Grande once said, "how absurd that you minimize female self-respect and self-worth by saying someone should stay in a toxic relationship...I am not a babysitter or a mother and no woman should feel that they need to be." This is an small epitome of what I mean. Detox yourself from these people if you can no longer handle it yourself. And if you are bashed for it, like I was, take pride that you did what you could to help this person. And lastly, love yourself.
