Growing up, I thought I did pretty OK in the friend department. I socialized well in school and at camp so I've never worried about it. Then again, I went to a very small school and pretty much knew all 18 kids in my class. I never went to sleepovers or asked for many play dates, but I still thought I did OK. Then one day, I realized something. Around middle school I noticed there were groups within my class and camp groups and I started feeling a sense of indifference. It wasn't until a camp trip to the zoo, where girls I've known for quite some time, ditched me while I was in the bathroom. That's when I realized that not everyone liked me.

Since then, I've began noticing and worrying more when I feel people are getting annoyed with me. I think, "Is it something I said, is it something about me, was I being too clingy, what am I doing wrong?" Someone once told me that some people didn't like me because I was too perky and energetic. At first I brush it of,f thinking it's whatever, but I always make a note in the back of my mind that its a turn off for people and I need to stop. I also don't know how to keep conversations going. It's either I never know what to say, I don't know enough to keep it interesting, or I worry I don't know enough about the topic to participate in the conversation. I know I can relate to people, but when I start talking about something I like, the odds are they don't like it or even know about and vice versa. Sometimes, the worst is seeing people be happy to see you and talk to you and then suddenly they keep a conversation short or don't really want to take notice of you at all.

When I see people on my Newsfeed and Timeline develop these friendships or share memories with people they've known for so long or even just a few months, and seeing them relate to people so naturally, I feel so abnormal and jealous.

This also makes it difficult with relationships I already have with my friends. When they don't answer my texts after a while or text me first (like ever) I feel like I'm slowly losing them or being excluded on purpose. I always justify it with they're busy and we have lives to live, but I'd lie if I said it doesn't hurt when I notice they post on Instagram or comment on someone's status after I texted them not that long ago. Or even when they make plans with people they've seen more than twice a month when I haven't seen them or really had a conversation with them in a long time.

I never bring it up because I hate being that person who reads into every little action and I know they don't mean to rarely get back to me on purpose. I know they don't make plans without me, but a part of it has to do with the fear that if I share these feelings, I might make myself out to be a drama queen or seem to clingy. It also sucks going through these periods of staying home for too long and when I finally make plans, they get cancelled either the night before or the day of. That might not be a big deal, but being someone who doesn't have that many close friends and spending most of my days at home just feels down right lonely.

Summer time is usually the worst because everyday that I don't do something, other than go to the supermarket with my parents, is a constant reminder that I don't have many people close in my life. It sucks sometimes, feeling like I'm my own cheerleader or that I just psycho analyze everything so I don't burden people I'm already close to about it.

So when my parents remind me for the millionth time that I can invite people over or when my sister jokingly asks me, "Don't you have any friends to hangout with?," I worry, do I really?

If you have that friend that texts you all the time that you say will get back to because you're busy at the moment and know they'll understand, just know this is probably what they're thinking. Don't make them think you forgot about them. We'll always be here to listen, even if you take millions of years to reply to their text messages. You both are living different lives and that's fine, but try to remember to reach out to them first every once in a while.