I don't want to spend my Sunday afternoons thinking about all the time we used to share together, but that's what I find myself doing once a week. I don't want to be walking to my Tuesday morning lecture and check my phone to see if you had texted me or Snapchat messaged me or something, but I do it every single chilly morning. I don't want to miss you, but I do.
Even though we ended on bad terms, I still can't find a way to get you out of my mind. I constantly catch myself thinking of the way things used to be, before everything turned so sour, and I would give anything to have those glorious days back. I want you to treat me how you did in the beginning. You were the kind of person I could never see hurting me, but then one day you did. You hurt me more than I knew was possible. Before you, I couldn't even see myself being seriously hurt in a relationship. I never put everything on the line, because I knew that things could end easily and I didn't want to be left in the dust. But with you, I couldn't help myself. I knew I was letting myself be vulnerable, but I loved every second of it. I didn't think you were going to hurt me and I have never been so wrong.
I don't want to miss you. I don't want to still feel so kindly towards you. It makes me feel even worse than I did when you left. Even though you hurt me so badly, I couldn't imagine being in love with anyone else. I can't imagine spending cold fall nights drinking coffee and watching horror films with anyone else. I can't imagine being as happy as I was with you with anyone else. But, I guess I'm going to have to try.
I'm not sure if I'm ready for another boy to enter my life and sweep me off my feet. I'm not sure I even remember how to open myself up enough to develop a halfway meaningful relationship with anyone else. I don't know when that day will come, but I do know that it will eventually. And when it does, I hope that you think of me. I hope you're sitting in your apartment one Sunday afternoon and my name pops in to your head. I hope you look me up on Facebook, like I have you, and you see that I'm happy. I hope you see that someone else is treating me the way you did before you decided I wasn't enough. I hope you miss me even though you don't want to.
I know that Sunday afternoons and Tuesday mornings are hard right now and they might be for a long time, but someday I'll find someone to spend my Sunday afternoons with and someone to wake up with on Tuesday mornings. I don't want to miss you, but I do. But I also know that someday I won't.
