When I was a little girl I struggled with interacting with people, I didn’t think this would follow me into adulthood.

In elementary school, I would try to find ways for the children to like me, accept me, validate me. I think that the reason I was bullied, other than my weight, was because I was socially awkward and didn't know how to fit in. I didn't know how to act, or who to act like.

So, I tried to just be like the other kids. I began picking on myself to them so they'd start to like me or accept me because I was doing something they did. I just wanted to be treated equally. I realize now how self-deprecating my behavior was, but when I was 9, all I wanted was real friends.

Today, I'm 20 years old and I still struggle with my anti-social behavior. I’m currently in college and I only have a few close friends that I hang around with. The majority of them are people I went to high school with.

I don’t know what it is that starts telling me, “be careful. You don’t know them. What if they…?” I realize that it’s mainly my anxiety, but I don’t trust easily. I have a lot of reasons for not trusting people, but I do sometimes feel lonely without new friends.

This is especially true when I only really have 4 or 5 close friends that I genuinely still talk to. The truth is, I’m still struggling with finding my own identity. I think that all those years of trying to act like other people (and failing miserably) turned me into someone I’m not quite sure of.

I am currently struggling with depression and anxiety and somehow, it all becomes more overwhelming when I look around and realize that I’m in a crowded room with no one to talk to, but I’m the only one stopping myself.

I speak to other people, but just because I speak, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m interacting with others to make friends. I usually only speak if I have to, and even then, I stumble over my words. I’m always nervous that people will see through my façade and think that I’m just acting a certain way to please them.

In other words, I believe that people know the real me, even when I don’t know the real me. Living life not knowing who you are is difficult by itself, when other people accuse you of not being genuine or real, it adds insult to injury.

Some days I just sit and try to think of who I am. I try to write down my traits, but nothing other than “nervous, overly apologetic, insecure, awkwardly loud, awkwardly quiet” comes to mind. I’m awkwardly loud because sometimes I overthink a reaction and it comes out a bit too obvious or loud. The same goes for awkwardly quiet.

I think too deeply and end up drawing blanks at the end of it all. I don’t like saying that it isn’t easy being me, but if I had the joy of being someone else, then I’d be able to see that it’s hard to not understand yourself and to second-guess every word, every action, and every reaction.

As a teenager, I struggled to find my people while I tried to find myself. I started hanging out with people that were well-known on campus just so I had the same recognition. I was selfish and genuinely envious of other people that could be in the spotlight constantly.

Not only were these people the wrong kind of people to be around, but they were nothing more than bullies themselves. They kept me around because my mother would voluntarily pay for our movie tickets, for our snacks, for our games. She only did it because she wanted to be kind to my new “friends.” However, they abused our generosity.

I wish I could go back and tell myself that being someone you’re not isn’t right. Letting people use you isn’t right. Letting people walk all over you isn’t right. Letting people talk down to you isn’t right. Even though I know all of this now, I still don’t know what to do with myself today.

When there are events on campus or near my house, I always say I’d love to go, but I never end up going because I’m in between feeling lonely and feeling socially anxious.

I don’t know how to fix that about myself. I’m a walking contradiction; I want to be around people, but at the same time I’m constantly nervous about interacting with them.

I’m Carla, and I don’t know if it’s nice to meet you.