Coming out can be such an experience for any young person these days. It is truly one of those moments where a person can bare all that is on the inside for those on the outside to see and even possibly judge, although that's one of the more extreme cases. Even I recently did it myself last week, and as plainly as I thought the experience would go, it has left me with mixed feelings.
See, as anyone who gets to know me for even 20 minutes can possibly start to guess that having a romantic relationship with a girl is not my cup of tea, it's not unusual for people to not ask what my sexual orientation is. They figure it out and our lives go on, because while being gay is a crucial part of who I am, it is at the same time not very crucial at all.
It means that as a guy I happen to like guys. You think as simple a phrase that is, even in 2016 people would go nuts over that fact. (If you haven't already forgotten, I probably wouldn't even get served pizza in some places just because I like men.)
Because of all this, you think my issues would typically be concerned with people who would prefer I shut up about my sexuality. Instead, my issue is with people who think it's in my best interest to be able to admit that I'm gay. Ha.
In what was a much tamer version of the rude outing some athletes experienced at the Olympics, I came out not because I was ready to let people into more of my life, but because I felt I had to for the sake of my own peace and for another person to feel triumphant. Instead of feeling relieved and closer to the person I came out to, I felt manipulated. I found out the other person did not just already know that I was gay, but wanted to hear me admit it with my own mouth because knowing it was not enough. That person thought that for some reason admitting my gayness myself would release some tension in the relationship we had, but instead it just made me upset and a bit angry.
My coming out is not supposed to be for other people. It is supposed to be a moment where I choose to bring a relationship to a new level, where I feel I am ready to admit it to a person I trust wholeheartedly, or would at least like to start trusting wholeheartedly. Instead, my moment was torn away from its original purpose. Where I was supposed to strengthen a relationship, it was only kept in a hostile state. While I should feel "at peace" right now as I mentioned earlier, I only continue to feel distant. I feel like I gathered the courage to jump over a canyon, but after jumping I realized I haven't even jumped off the cliff - a classic "wtf" moment, if you will.
I don't come out to make other people comfortable. I come out to show that I am comfortable with others as needed. If you need me to come out to you, you better give me a formal reason for my statement. Because if you just want it to put your mind at ease from being able to say "he admitted it to me personally", then you have another thing coming.
And it's not me coming out of the closet for you, I can tell you that.
