Shame and anxiety clouded every fiber of my being when I got the news.
I rewind to my freshman year of college and try to make sense of it all. I’ve never been enough. I’ve always been replaceable. I’ve never been worthy.
And this news was the icing on the cake.
She didn’t ask me to be her bridesmaid. Was my pain and hurt superficial because one person didn’t want me as a part of her bridal party? Couldn’t I just shrug it off and move on?
But for me, it wasn’t just that. It was that she’d chosen someone else instead of me. All my years of friendship, generosity, closeness, and inside jokes felt obsolete in an instant, and I simply felt like I wasn’t good enough.
It didn’t want to be bitter, or lash out, or blame, or accuse. I just felt emptiness and shame. And if it had been a year ago, I’d probably let those feelings overtake me. But instead, I continued breathing and kept moving forward.
Don’t center your happiness on human feeling.
This goes in a number of ways. The first is don’t let your happiness be centered on one person, or a group of people, or people in general. People disappoint. Big time. The second is don’t let your own feelings overtake you. All those negative words—shame, grief, guilt, anxiety—go hand in hand, and can really change you for the worst.
Allow grace to replace shame.
Let yourself feel forgiveness—forgiving others, and especially forgiving yourself. It’s easy to suppress your feelings, and it’s easy to let feelings overwhelm you. Taking the harder route of forgiveness, leads to freedom in the long run.
You’re going to make it.
Happiness is often balanced with sadness, and that’s definitely all right. No one’s got it all. Remember that you are the judge of how you let things affect you—no one can steal your happiness unless you let them. If you decide to find happiness in hard times, you’re on your way to better times.
Fast-forwarding to the present, I realize that my feelings of worthlessness are never justified. The voices that scream at me that I'm not good enough are just ways that I'm allowing happiness to be stolen. No matter what anyone says, you are always enough.
