Here's the thing. I don't know what to write about, and I haven't for the last few weeks. There aren't any words in my head and to be quite honest, I'm surprised at how far I've gotten.
Three weeks ago, I walked into my usual check-up with my neurologist and we had a discussion about how I keep getting migraines and headaches every. single. day. It's exhausting.
He made the decision to change my medication and I haven't been myself since. Word on the street (my doctor and the Internet) is that once I get titrated up to the dosage I'm supposed to be on and get adjusted to the medication, my body will get back to normal and sweet Jesus am I counting down the days. As I sit on my couch, my mind sits blank. I am not thinking. There are no words rushing through my head and it is such a weird feeling. In conversation, I feel so slow and it is difficult to respond because it takes so long for words to come to me. The exhaustion is real. The energy it takes to simply wake up is sometimes too much to get me out of bed and the depression has been one of the darkest periods of my life. I've spent a lot of time alone because the energy of interacting with others and the mental energy and effort is just too much right now and although I consider myself an introvert, I miss being around people.
The things that this drug does to my brain really blows my mind. I don't always know what I'm doing, and I wasn't quite sure where I was at when I was driving home the other day on a route I've driven hundreds of times. It makes me very spacey, where I am not quite "there" and it's not that I'm thinking about something else, I'm just not mentally available... if that makes any sense. For example, I was walking through Fareway the other day with my cousin; she was grabbing some food and I was grabbing some Keurig Cups and she checked out. I was behind her and was so spaced that I didn't even think about paying for my K-Cups. I just kept following her. I had nothing on my mind. I just was following the leader.
One of the hardest parts of the last few weeks has been letting people down. I take so much pride in being a reliable person and being there for others but I've really had to take a step back in my life and it hurts. I've had to take time off from work because I don't always trust my driving or my brain power to take care of others, and the hardest part has been taking leave from my leadership responsibilities. One of my favorite parts of being a student at Grand View has been my role in Student Leadership and I let my team down during the time of year that they needed me the most and that just sucks, but I know that it was the right decision for myself and the team in the long run. It hurts to see all of the work they're doing and know that I should be there helping.
So, I don't know what to write about and I haven't for a few weeks now because my brain isn't available to me right now. Everything in me hopes that in the next couple of weeks I get my brain back because it kills me to be in this place.
