Just to clear it out, well in advance, I am not a fashion-make-up guru. Sometimes, I even f*ck up a simple face powdering act—yeah, no—my compact game isn't strong.
Although, just because I f*ck up a few times, I won't deny that I've come a long way with these brushes and colors. I mean, come on, there's only so many times your cat eyes turn into raccoon pits. 
Okay, they turn into raccoon pits pretty often.
Anyway, I have learned a few things during these past years of embarrassing effort and selfie fails. So, if you're a newbie who has no idea about makeup, or some jobless teen, who, like me, is just not patient enough to listen to Michelle Phan, this article is for you.
1. Do not trust that yellow light
I know it makes you look fabulous. I know it hides all your blemishes. I also know that you'll end up with a caked on face.
Seriously, if the yellow light were a person, it'd be a fuk boi. Saying and showing you all the right things until...you step into reality.
2. Don't forget about your neck—it's like—right there
Just slap some of that foundation on there. I can literally see a line separating your jaw and your neck.
How many skin tones are you? Do you have a skin condition? Are you a panda? Panda's really shouldn't use cosmetics.
3. Use. A. Primer.
You face is like a wall. You need to prime that sh*t before splashing some paint on it.
4. Double Conceal
To be honest, I don't know how legit this would be for everyone. It has worked wonders on my skin, and my skin's a lil' b*tch.
Step 1: Use a concealer, especially for those vampire under-eye bags, that is closest to your skin shade. Recreate the Bermuda triangle under there and blend it into your skin.
Step 2: I use this thing called an "erase paste" from Benefit to cover up some pores and brighten the concealed skin. This adds tons of shine and evenness to my face. I swear by Holy Jesus and Moses.
So, if you have craters on your face, like I do, you might want to try this out and see if it's a good fit.
5. Pick in confidence, not in impulse
By all means, do experiment with lip shades. Life's sorta small to not try blue or purple stains. But, make sure you'll be confident enough to carry that off.
I've spent so much (money—a lot of money) on impulsive lipstick whims that I now have a lipstick-o-phobia. Those bottles rot in my drawer while I pretend not to see them. This is not a relationship I would recommend—plus, your wallet will dump your stupid a** fosho.
Well, this was course 101 on how to graduate clown school. Just 101.
Yeah, I'm like wtf, as well.
Clown School 102 will be out soon. Until then, keep making others laugh, you beautiful clown.
