So much of my life the choices I have made have been encouraged or discouraged in terms of their "attractiveness" to men.
When I first cut my hair short years ago I was told with sighs and head shakes that men don't find short hair attractive on girls. Keep in mind, I was maybe fourteen at the time and my concerns weren't (and still aren't) about what men do or do not find attractive.
When I got my first tattoo at eighteen it was deemed "ok" (even though I was told that tattoos on women are unattractive) because I got it on my back - a "ladylike" spot. My second tattoo, a quite large rose on my right forearm, was discouraged because, apparently, the forearm is a "manly" spot and men wouldn't like me if they saw I had a tattoo there. My third tattoo is easily hidden as it is on the top of my left thigh and pants make that a hard area to see but my fourth tattoo, which I got only a couple days ago, once again faced the "attractiveness test" and failed. Apparently a relatively tiny tattoo under my left collarbone is going to make me less attractive.
Now, I have a boyfriend and I don't think I'm going out on a limb here by saying that he finds me attractive and of course it's nice to know that someone looks at you and is aesthetically pleased by what they're seeing. I mean, I'm not immune to the desire to want to impress people but I am very against the idea of basing my outward appearance in a way that is pleasing for men.
Whenever I've received a "compliment" (and I'll use that term loosely) from a male stranger it has ALWAYS been sexual. It's uncomfortable, it's unwanted, and it's just plain gross.
When I've received compliments from female strangers, on the other hand, it's always been lovely stuff that reflects the choices I specifically made concerning my appearance. When the hostess at The Cheesecake Factory told me that she loved my makeup I couldn't stop smiling. When the women in the bathroom at the diner stopped me to tell me that I looked adorable (and trust me, I certainly wasn't feeling adorable and had just complained to my boyfriend about how gross I felt) I was happy for days.
I know there's the saying that women dress for other women and not men and I think that, to a degree, it is true. After all, women are under the same kinds of societal pressure. I am not unique in being a woman who has had her choices judged by their perceived "attractiveness" to men. We all see the same ads telling us every day that our bodies aren't good enough, our hair isn't shiny enough, our voice isn't pleasing enough and no man will love us unless we buy whatever product the glossy page in Cosmo is trying to sell.
But I want to make one thing clear: I do not care if you don't find me attractive because the choices I make are for me and no one else. I cut my hair for me, I wear makeup for me, I got these tattoos for me, and I wear these clothes for me. You don't find me attractive? Good, your opinion means nothing to me. The only person I have to please with my appearance is myself.
