We use our physical appearance to convey to the world all the things we want them to see. Whether it’s looking attractive for a date or looking professional for a job interview, how we put ourselves together is something many of us put a great amount of effort into. I, personally, am a slob. I care as much as I have to (ie. job interviews) and take a big sigh of relief when I can go back to not caring. I’m not going to say that I don't struggle with insecurity. Insecurity gets the best of all of us sometimes, but I didn’t expect to go through teenaged angst over my appearance again, which is exactly what happened when I stopped dating men and started dating women.
I found myself wondering how I was going to attract girls if they couldn’t tell that I was gay. I had already constructed the idea in my head that being gay had to look a certain way or that I wouldn't qualify unless I outwardly presented it to the world. When I crossed the rainbow threshold into Lesbian Land, it felt like someone handed me a ballot with two options on it: butch or femme. This was incredibly daunting because I did not fully identify with either and, truthfully, I didn't have as much of a choice as I thought.
I played around with different outfits and ultimately cared less and less about it, until I settled back into my natural state of wardrobe aloofness. The frustrating part was that even after I had decided I was comfortable with being somewhere in the middle, others still had opinions about my looks. I remember feeling really sexy and dapper in one of my first, intentionally more masculine outfits and being so disappointed when someone called me femme. I’ve been told that no matter what I do I will always be considered femme because I’m beautiful and I have long, flowing hair. So, with that logic, all butch women are ugly?
Frankly, I shouldn't care about any of that because I’m not trying to be one or the other, but it still bothers me. Every girl that has to hear “But you’re too pretty to be a lesbian”, has to (even for just a moment) feel like the way she looks and identifies isn’t allowed. Every time a girl thinks they can’t “pull off a look” because it doesn’t match with what their label is, they lose the chance to express themselves fully and authentically. The same way that someone’s sexual preference shouldn’t be anyone else’s business or concern, how someone chooses to dress or present themselves shouldn’t warrant approval or disapproval on such a fundamental level.
I'm relieved to be finished with my re-run of puberty level awkwardness. Once I realized that the right people would be interested in me regardless of how I looked, I went back to reveling in my sweatpants with the wine stain on them and Tindering the night away like any self-respecting single slob my age.
