Recently, I was having a much-needed heart-to-heart with a friend. We were gabbing, as most college girls do, about boys, love, and our careers, and all I could think about was how I couldn’t see myself in a relationship at this point in my life. I’ve never had a serious relationship, for more reasons than one, but my friend, who was trying to offer me advice, has had nothing but. Naturally, I assumed that this made her an expert on love, and tried to get her opinion on my own situation. I said to her, “At this point, I don’t even know who I am yet, so honestly, I just can’t see sharing my whole self with someone if I don’t know who that whole self is yet.”
Until that point, I perceived my friend as “successful in romance,” and therefore, assumed she was a romantic, so I was surprised when she opened up and said, “I don’t know if I believe in love in the romantic sense.”
“How is that even possible?” I said. “You have serious relationships all the time.”
“I know,” she said, “But the thing is I’m not sure about where those relationships originate anymore.” She continued to tell me about how she’s not sure that “romantic love” wasn’t just a concept simply constructed by society to sell products and force misogyny on women of the past, and can be equated to a mutual respect that is normally reserved for blood relatives. She continued, “I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything deeper than that for someone. I mean, there’s physical attraction, but I don’t think that’s the same.”
She continued, “I love you and I love my family, but it has nothing to do with physical attraction. I love you because I respect you and I want the best for you, and I think that’s good enough. That’s my definition of love, so no, I don’t believe in what society tries to tell me love is."
It was really eye-opening for me because I’d always been confused about what love meant to me, and assumed that in order to know what true love was, you had to experience it. Sitting here, listening to her, my eyes were opened. Her entire perception of love had been shaped by this idea. And despite the “success” that she had in romance, it didn’t make her a romantic. Love isn’t something that you can define or become an expert in because it’s different for everyone.
I think that when we are young, there is this fairytale idea engrained in our poor, underdeveloped brains about what love is supposed to be. And when that idea doesn’t happen, or at least when it doesn’t seem like it is going to happen, we feel like it’s a fantasy. Love isn’t supposed to be simple, and it’s not supposed to be common, and to think that only the people who are successful in dating are also experts on love isn’t a good idea. We are all experts on love because we are the only ones who can define what love is to us. To my friend, love is respect and mutual care, and I think that is absolutely beautiful, but I also know that I haven’t found my definition of love yet because I haven’t truly learned to love myself.
It’s okay to not believe in “love” in the sense of what society has tried to teach us love means. Society, or even successful romantics who have been in long, committed relationships, don’t get to define love for you. You define your idea of love, so don’t ever let someone try to tell you that you don’t believe in it, not even yourself, because it will take time before you define it.
