For the majority of my life, I’ve tried to put on a brave face. I do my best to hide what I’m feeling because I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems. Saying “I’m fine” is a whole lot easier than saying what’s really on my mind. Nobody really expects an honest answer anyway.

I’ve always had a problem with keeping my feelings to myself. I’d rather stew in my own internal agony than confess to someone that I’m sad about something. There is no greater horror than someone pretending to care about what’s wrong in my life. Of course, I’d rather avoid human confrontation altogether.

I have an anxiety disorder, and I’ve always had issues with anger and depression. Instead of letting people see that, I put on a happy face. I’m constantly thinking about what my facial expressions look like to other people around me. “Do I look bitchy?” “Do they think I look like a bum in these sweats?” “Try to make your face look less terrifying. Seriously.” I do my best to mask my emotions. I break up any form of tension with a joke. Joking during serious moments sometimes isn’t the greatest coping mechanism…

I think the worst phrase I’ve ever heard is “You’ll be okay. Everything will work out.” Sure, I’m guilty of doing this myself. I really hate hearing it, though. Yes, Becky, I’m sure in a couple months it won’t sting so bad- thanks for pointing out the obvious. It hurts right now. I’m sad right now. I don’t give a shit about how I’ll feel at a later date.

I’ve gradually learned that I don’t always have to be happy to matter to other people. I don’t always have to pretend that I’m happy or that I fit in. I can be sad. I can be anxious. I can be mad or depressed. Whatever it may be that I’m feeling- it’s OK.

No matter what I’m feeling, I have to remember that it’s OK to not be OK. I’m doing the best I can and that’s all that matters.