I don't scare easy. I'm weird like that. It isn't that I find nothing frightening, but in general, I hardly ever feel fear...like at all.
My theory is that I believe that I have seen it all, that some part of me is desensitized to the point where I cannot physically give a shit about normal concerns. I know, arrogant sounding, yes. But for context, my first reaction to being startled or attacked has always been to burst out laughing. Weird.
But there are still things that get to me, not necessarily dangerous things, but at the end of the day, even weirdos like me dread things. About a year ago, one of my professors asked me to define a good life. My reply was that a good life would be one that I could lay on my deathbed and look back without regret. If that is the actual good life, I am screwed.
What I have learned over the years is that I regret being stagnant and complacent more than any action. I procrastinate, I am a time-killer. And although I try to participate and be an active individual, it will never be enough, ever. At times it feels completely overwhelming to know that probably everything I have done or will do is something that will be forgotten. And at those times, it's easy to think "why bother with any of it?" The dread sets in, and rather than making me want to run or fight, I stop altogether. And you know what? Every now and then, that's okay. I have found that when I try to fill every second of every day, it becomes a painful blur that I'm barely aware of. Better to remember the few good things than not remember dozens of mediocre failures.
Regret is probably my greatest fear, as strange as it sounds. I am afraid of the things I have not done and will not do in my lifetime. Yet, in order to live a better life, I have to slow down and accept periods of downtime. As I am writing this now, I can live with myself for giving into the thing that I dread. It has lead me to the realization that in order to become a person I want to be, I must accept the things that I fear, no matter how petty they are.
No one is perfect, and everyone has rough days every now and then, times that they will probably regret eventually. But that's what humanity is all about isn't it? Accepting the worst of life in order to see the slightly better day tomorrow. Being ready to look away for a second when it gets too hard to watch.
It is important to know what your values are, just as it is great to know your future goals. But in the act of choosing who you want to be, one must accept that they are not that person- not yet.
While it may seem backwards, in order to move forwards in life, forgive yourself for the regrettable days. You'll have to live with them anyway, might as well make it managable.
